Breakaway

One of my favorite songs. Ever.

If there were one thing I wanted most, it would be certainty. God doesn't paint us a clear road sign and I have said it all week and I'll say it again - THIS PLAN SUCKS! Sure, "it could be worse." Say it again. It doesn't fix things, it doesn't make me whole again. 

I'm mad. Mad because I shouldn't be dealing with anything this ridiculous. Serious, sure. Pointless and disruptive, COMPLETELY. I'm mad because I am tired and I don't know when it will lift. Mad because I am moody... and scared that it will be hard to fix. Mad because I need to cough and can't bring myself to do so productively so I am fighting coughing all day. I am mad because I want to exercise... but even if given the green light, I'd make it to the corner and back.

I am mad because it is taking time away from my family. I find myself scared to play with my baby, he wants to touch my slice, I want to catch him when he falls or lift him up when he is reaching for me, but I can't even pick him up yet because my slice could open up. I am scared that I am putting distance there on purpose without reason.

I gotta take a risk, take a chance...
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

I am mad because I allow it to still consume me... even in absence. Just because it is gone, it still rules my life. I am ON HOLD until I hear that I wont need RAI.And I BETTER hear that I don't need RAI. After surgery I was supposed to let myself get back to my life. I no longer had to eat, drink, sleep, dream and live thyroid cancer. Knowing that is actually WAS cancer makes me continue to live it. To be it. I don't want to be it. I want to go back to my busy mommy/couponer/blogger life. I want to worry about dust and kitty litter and where the binkie has escaped to.

I am ready to return, but my "I" is not. Breakaway.

Going Home

Silly me to plan things.

Best Plan - Bob gets Atlas ready and playing with him so that he isn't upset or overly excited that Bob is back and then I enter through the front door and Atlas is excited to see me and takes his first steps to get to me so fast. All on camera, of course.

Worst Plan - My child doesn't even want to see me

Reality - We set it up for me to come through the front door, but when Atlas saw me he clung to his daddy. It took him a while to come around and smile at me. Then he wanted to play with the ugly bulgy glued up slit on my neck. (They even said they glued it) Within 10 minutes he realized I was the boob and grabbed onto me and nursed and just stared at me.

I hadn't had any pain meds since 10pm the night before (the lactation nurse called back to tell me that the Lortab would be OK regardless, but everyone here gave me the evil eye for even considering it) and the antibiotics are OK if they happen to cross the milk. Don't worry I checked EVERYTHING out. (repeat - evil eye)

I dont know if my calcium has stayed up or not, I know that I got home at 1pm and by 5pm I was back in bed and didn't even blink until after 7:30pm. I assume my BP is in normal range for me... somewhere around 90/60. Again, don't know and I plan on going back to bed here fairly soon.

Bob is putting the baby down. I kinda like this routine they are working on. So far he has laid him down twice, and the baby wants back up now. Bob is good. It has got to be one of the hardest things in the world to jump into someone else's schedules and try to find a way to make it work for you.

Before I went into the hospital Atlas bopped me hard on the nose, I thought he broke it then I was playing with him and he threw his car into my eye and I had a huge purple goosebump pop up above my eyeball.... it is finally going down. The night before THAT I scalded myself while sterilizing bottle parts. It's been a rough weekend.

Making bail or busting out of this joint

I sorta had the option to stay the second night. I was already here (past the 23 hour mark) and I was still feeling lousy and scared and they were still monitoring me quite often. I also had this intense fear of going home and having this wonderful baby rush into my arms and hug him tight, but not be able to do anything with him. I cant lift him and I dont want him pulling on me.

Atlas has been a  trooper. Thank God for my MIL staying with him. I also thank God that my mother stayed with me. There is nothing like your mom taking care of you, even if you are being poked and prodded by a nurse. Atlas is sucking down bottles like he has been starving to death I hear. He is also eating a lot! I am so happy. I have been so worried about him.

I picture coming home and like a puppy dog he runs into my arms.. yes, my baby who is still only cruising RUNS into my arms and squeezes my [very sore] neck. I can't wait to see him. I hope he isn't mad at me.

Also big prayers continuing for Wednesday we find out if they got all of the thyroid tissue. If they did then I may not have to have RAI. If there is any thyroid tissue and cells left over, the way they track them down and kill them is through the RAI. They are also suggesting if I need the RAI, I will need it a whole lot sooner than they originally told me.

The endo had said I could wait 3 months until my baby was 1. They are not saying that now. I wanted to nurse until my baby was 1. ACTUALLY I wanted to nurse until my baby was 3 or weened on his own or I got pg and dried up, but alas, our plans are not our own.

A new step in my life happens today. And here I was happy with the ladder rung I had reached. I will keep you posted. Please keep praying.

Worst Dream ever came tue

My pastor and his wife and my favorite coupls from church Steve and June (June has recently fought a very evil and aggressive cancer.) It is due to being scared over losing her that I chose to get this done. 

They were going to take half and pathology was going to test it. IT came back bad enough that Dr Bibliowics could not take the chance. He removed the whole thing. He believes it is malignant. I forget the wording. He said he could not leave it in there. Not sure how bad it was or where any spreading may have taken place. - Mom is telling me that the nodule was hard. Completely encapsulated, like when an oyster finds a piece of sand and encapsulated it to protect its self. That means that it might not have opened and anything in it would be safely contained. Praise God!

My neck aches to move, my throat is scratchy as hell, I have taken 3 hours to eat an Ensure (btw strawberry is gross I<3strawberries in real life) 2 oz of apple juice, vanilla pudding, 1/2 chicken broth, beef broth, a sierra mist, lots of ice and some water.

I have managed to (just now) pump 4 ounces in the past hour.

Stella called Bob. Atlas was in consolible so he werent home but came back... I sent him home an hour later. Mom is here.

Surgery took about 3 hours, then I was in recovery 2 hours while they found me a room. I asked for a window... that didnt really take so much longer, but I did get to hang up my rainbow maker, I excepted to wake up to rainbows in the morning.

I'm sorry, I am falling asleep again and not sure how much of this makes sense. I will update it later

All details are/will be on beamommydandelion . blogspot . com

Here it comes

Friday January 7th, 2010
12:25pm - 3:00pm
God Speed to me.

24

MIL came back to town yesterday. It is nice to have her here. Mom comes in today. I didnt have a moment of freak out yesterday, shockingly enough.

I wrote this to my mommy friends:

I have been uber-optimistic today and I even started thinking about the chances
of this being completely benign, the doctor letting me keep half of it and never
having to have radiation!... if that happens Get PUMPed is going to LOVE me - 1.
I wont have to stop nursing and 2. I wont have to dry up for radiation! and 3!!
I have a LOT of milk right now.

I also informed the hubby that since we will be capping out our insurance...
when this comes back benign, he is knocking me up ASAP so that we can have a
free baby and get the deductible next year which will go to paying for this
ridiculousness. [with all this milk, not sure how fertile I ACTUALLY am though]

So those are my prayers, feel free to join me in praying for them! (and a wee
little itty bitty scar that is easy to cover up with a choker necklace, would be
nice too)

btw - my endocrinologist told me that the people "offering advice" online ALL
had a bad experience (which accounts for like 2% who didnt end up having cancer
and should be so happy).. the other 98% are out living their lives just fine and
not sitting at a computer bitching all day. I promptly deleted myself from the
yahoo "support" groups. I have felt much better ever since.

However then the hubby went to bed and I was scared again. Today I find myself avoiding thinking of the details. I have a keen talent of locking bad things in this manilla envelop in my brain. I have complete control over when to open it. Right now it is staying closed and when I get near it, I push it away.

My pastor and his wife are coming over tonight to pray with us. AND when I called to ask him to come pray with the doctors and me, he said he had planned to and was going to stay in the waiting room the whole time too. for some reason I find a deeper peace within me knowing that my pastor will be sitting there... I know my mom and husband will be too...

Right now if I avoid thinking about it and focus on the fact that I am being smothered in love, then I feel pretty good. I'll take the spoiling. Then I will close my eyes and hold on tight, taking deep breaths.

Surgery starts at 12:25 pm Friday January 7th, 2010. Expected to last 2.5 hours.

Went for the last "second" opinion today. This was actually the 4th doctor I have consulted about this.

Today - no breakdowns.

My husband me tme and the baby at another Ears/Nose/Throat doctor today.

DH was concered with what happens if we take half of the thyroid and the other half appears fine, what about a year down the line, or two years... is it more likely to have cancer? No. I think.He specifically said it was not like breast cancer where if one breast has a malignant tumor you can opt for a double mastectomy to reduce your future risks.

We asked about the risks vs benefits of opting for trying to salvage half.

Well if you take all of it, there is a risk of damaging BOTH sides of the vocal chords.. I think he said "paralyzing" both vocal chords. I am not currently working on air anymore or that would have been a HUGE red flag for me, but I DOOOO so love to sing. The other risk was damage to the parathyroid. IF the parathyroid is damaged then I will need a Calcium and Vitamin D replacement... not a vitamin like a supplement, but a full blown dose each day.

For now I am opting to have only the "bad" half removed. They will take 3 slivers from that peice and send it to the pathology department.. while I am still open and they examine the other side and do a total of 4 stitches waiting for the results. If they get the green light that there is no cancer, he finishes stitching me up and I go on my merry way to healing. If the call is that it is malignant, then he removes those 4 stitches and cuts the rest out. 

If the preliminary pathology comes back clean, but the full pathology 3 days later comes back as a papillary carcinoma, then the cut my neck open 2 weeks later and take the other side. It could be the next day... but due to my Dr's schedule it would have to be 2 weeks later.


If the nodule is as big as we think it is... (and it is big, you can see it when I swallow) then I have Faith that if it is bad news that the size is a clear indicator during the initial pathology and I will only have to have 1 surgery.

However... if no carcinogens are found, no RAI!!! No RAI and I can continue to nurse my baby and plan my family as we had been hoping to do.

It's a stretch, but one I am willing to pray hard for!

After the last few days... I think the only thing keeping me moving forward is the hope of getting to keep PART of MY thyroid. Ya know... there is an 80% chance that it is NOT cancer.

Drugs forever is one thing... but I WANT to keep my freaking thyroid.

I have to stop now. I feel a freak out coming on and I think I should call it a night and just go to bed before I start thinking again too hard.

Painting by Numbers

This was supposed to be my mommy blog. I guess it is now more of a blog on the struggles of my life as a mommy.

::pouting:: I thought the hard part was supposed to be waking up 3 times a night.

I'm sick of breaking down each day. Why doesn't crying and temper tantrums tire out a child like it does me?!

I had it certain that I was going to postpone. I was convinced.

I picked up all of my tests from the ENT dr today. Surprise! They left out, like, 5 pages when they gave me the results the first day... Apparently it still didnt matter. I took the results to my primary DO and she showed me my numbers:

Normal THS (Thyroid hormone) is anywhere from the range of 0.40-4.50 (with the higher number closer to HYPOthyroidism and the lesser being closer to HYPERthyroidism.) Mine was 0.64. Explains my size... Sure I didnt eat enough for too many years and I jog like it is an OCD issue, but apparently I will never get fat if they can get MY levels back to these with drugs... and everone's normal is different. The Endo called me and she says that since that is MY normal we will aim at the hyper side of the drugs. I cant imagine anyone askign to be on the HYPO side. Hypo makes you tired and weak and you gain weight by breathing the wrong direction.

the other level that was noted was my thyroids antibody abilities.... Anything less than 30 is great... mine was less than 10, which is super.

So I got in touch with the doctor too... there are 2 options. ALL or PART with the likelihood of all in the horizon. All is all is all. They CAN take just the left side that contains the freakish nodule and "freeze" the other side, rush a few slivers of the bad side down to pathology to be tested. IF cancer is discovered in one of those 3 samples then, OK alright, while I am still out they take the other side too. If it is NOT cancer, they leave the right side in. The FULL pathology results take about 3 days to return. There is a small possibility that it could still come back positive for cancer. In 22 years, my doctor has had that happen 6 times. If that happens, they go back in within 2 weeks (2 weeks bc the dr is too busy to go back in on that 4th day) and does a second surgery.

I am sure insurance covers it all... sure only 80%, there goes our savings for baby #2. However that would have to wait anyhow because if this IS cancer the RAI will delay any baby making for about a year.

I want to keep half of my thyroid... less drugs, more of my own hormones and metabolism working, etc.

My husband wants me to do the WHOLE thing. But there is only about a 20% chance it is cancer anyhow. Or was it a 20% chance they would have to go back in.. .I forget.

Brain is fried.

Next breakdown scheduled for 11am Tuesday (1/4/11) when I go to yet another doctor for another opinion. Updating tomorrow.

Stop the rollercoaster, I need to throw up

I have seriously been back and forth all day long.

GET the cancer out!
What if it is not?
It's OK, it is a huge risk to keep it!
Others say POSTPONE!
I say, no freaking joke, there is NO going back.

I threw up this morning. Between tears and frustrations eating was a very bad idea. I sent my husband a text message - I'm calling it off. I even cried through church.

I found solace in a blog about an hour ago. She was going through the same thing. she was only 2-3 years older than me. but she didnt have a tiny baby to worry about. the RAI is the worst part I am imagining.

THEN I get an email from a founder of a yahoo group... My FIL said to "join a support group" ... BACKFIRE .... one girl .. no no MANY girls say to postpone!

Brain is fried. more tomorrow.

From Loaves and Fishes

.. is it actually "fishes?" I googled it and couldn't figure it out. The census is split.

The last few days have been a roller coaster, and my baby is mirroring me and that SUCKS! He isn't sleeping, his teething is ridiculous and clearly painful (8 months and 5 teeth already!) I was ready to give him away last night at 2am. Of course I am kidding, but I miss the days of him sleeping 7 to 11 hours a night! One day he will be grown up and I will miss him needing me... but I'll cross that bridge then. For now, I should be asleep, but I wanted to update you on my newest Blessing.

Lately I have been panicky over my milk supply and stockpile.... and stress leads to a lesser production. For me, that means only around 30 extra ounces a day after nursing Atlas. I know I know... that is a ton... but for someone who was casually pumping almost 40 ounces a day or 48 when I was really working on it... it's a big difference. I do think that part of it is Atlas becoming even more efficient and he has been nursing a whole lot more. We are the "on demand" type of nursers and it seems like he is attached to me non stop lately. Maybe he knows.

I got an email today. The director of Get PUMPed found 200 ounces of my baby's milk stuffed away in the Get PUMPed freezer!!!! As we were figuring out how or when it was coming home, she says she opened the freezer and there was another 300 ounces of his milk just there!!! She says she had searched and was certain that Atlas' milk brother had gotten all of it.

It was just yesterday that I sucked it up and filled out an application to become a recipient. Knowing full well that my baby isn't as needy as some of the babies they care for. They collect and donate to babies in extraordinary circumstances. Most babies are just a few months old when they apply. Most only get donations until around 6 months due to supply and demand. I don't expect special privileged due to prior donations. After all, it is ME who chose not to start Atlas on solid foods at 6 months old.

However, God has always provided. It is just amazing that 500 ounces of Atlas' nourishment were discovered today.

I might not have needed Get PUMPed's support anyhow. (I haven't been approved yet, but even if approved I hope I never have to ask for their services.) I talked to my endocrinologist yesterday. She told me that 1. I am jumping the gun worrying about radiation. I am not though. I am the type of person who MUST have a plan. I have a baby that depends on that plan. I can't sit back and worry about it when the day comes. I have the opportunity to make sure a plan is in place if I have to face a worst-case-scenario. She told me that 2. She will work with me and if I am determined to nurse Atlas until 1 year old, then I will be put on a low dose hormone until I can have the radiation, but it will take me weeks to completely dry up. The imaging requires me to be dried up. I want accurate results, I want to have more children and live for the one I have. Plus, radiation while lactating can cause breast cancer. I am totally diggin' boobs and I want my future kids to have them too. And 3. I have 3 months to stockpile for future, WHILE still nursing!!! That is the absolute best case scenario!!!  (Aside from being able to avoid radiation, of course) Do you know how much I can produce?!!?!? Even if I only produce 30 extra ounces a day, Atlas starts solids in 2 weeks and 30 ounces a day for 3 months is over 2700 ounces! If a baby who is NOT on solids takes 750 ounces a month, Atlas will still have breast milk for 6 months!!

God is so good. He has never let me fall. And while none of this is my ideal plan. I can not complain. I had the best luck when we got pregnant on the first month trying, we had the perfect pregnancy with no morning sickness or complications, we had the PERFECT home birth, our baby has remained completely healthy even without a single vax (yet) and so far my lactation has been so fruitful we have exclusively fed a whole 'nuther baby!!!

It is less devastating that I MIGHT have a completely curable cancer than the thought of forcefully being made to stop nursing my baby.

I did learn that IF I need the Radioactive Iodine, I will not be away from my baby for a couple days... but MUCH longer... 3-5 days away from not only my baby, but the most supportive person I have ever known, my husband. It breaks my heart. But I know what I have to do and preparing for the worst, praying for the best is certainly the way I am going.

Surprise me by letting it not be so bad... but dont surprise me with having to spend an extra day away with no longer being able to nurse my baby. There are some things I MUST be ready for.

Pray for the doctors hands to be gently guided on January 7th, that I only have to spend 1 night (not 2) in the hospital,  that I can get right back to nursing my baby with breastfeeding friendly pain killers, that I am not infected with cancer, and if I am, that the radiation is flushed from my body in a very short time and I can return home. Pray that my baby sleeps well and doesn't miss me. Pray that my husband has the strength to play supportive role along with mommy-role, husband-role and still maintain not only his job but our household while I am gone. They ARE lucky to have me. Pray that I will believe that, but be able to release myself from that burden so that I can heal.

OH! OK explain this... they need me to be completely dried out, but the quickest and most efficient way to extract radiation from the body (kellymom.com) is to pump it out.

Back to the subject, God really does provide.

Mooo

Stress leads to less production... even if you are pumping every 3 hours apparently.

I am frustrated. I am pumping every 3 hours to try to increase my supply but I am still stuck at 35 oz. I have a let down (sure enough) just about the time that 3 hours approaches... but I am not INCREASING.

Advice is MORE than welcomed!

I am not donating that last 800 ounces. It will only last my baby a month... and I need a solid 3 months worth to get him to 1 year. I dreaded and feared this day and even through *fish and loaves* I still feel panicked. Very panicked.

Infant Heimlich just saved my baby's life

Good Grief, Crisis-Mode-Overload.

Really, God. What next? I'm ready.

My favorite girlfriend called this morning to take our babies to the library for infant nursery rhyme time. 10 minutes before needing to leave, Atlas had a blow out. I took off his shoes and socks and darted with him back to the changing table, ripped off the fluffy cover and set him down. I handed him his changing table finger puppet. It is big enough to play with, but not when he is by himself... I feel like I can watch him closely while changing him. I get his onesie and pants off and then his diaper. I am starting to wipe him when his mouth becomes this open cave and he starts gasping.

He has done this before and I generally sit him up and watch him eye-to-eye to reassure him. It generally calms him and he takes a breath or swallows or does what he needs to do to to catch his breath. Poopie butt and all he is sitting and he is NOT breathing. I lean him forward and not even with my dominant arm I pound on his back 3 times hard. He starts crying. Whew! Right? no. I stand him up and hug his naked poopie self and then realize it isn't over. I sat him back down and looked into his mouth and saw something square and white. I reached my finger back to grab it and I think I pushed it down because he took a breath and I heard it flap. Mommy-instinct took over without my conscious help. I flipped him over my arm that I had used to pound on him the first time and used my dominant hand to thrust against his bare back. He immediately began throwing up. He didn't throw up much, but it was enough to dislodge and expel a small piece of packaging tape.

Earlier I had opened a package of Christmas gifts I had been waiting on. I had no idea anything had fallen off. He wasn't even near the box!

I took a babysitting class when I was a teen, I have taken CPR classes throughout my life. Never expecting to use it and even a little unsure that I would even remember what to do. And honestly, I'm not sure I remembered what to do. It just happened. Praise God! Nothing in my life has ever scared me as bad as seeing that look on my precious baby's face.

Needless to say, we needed more than a baby wipe after all that. So we went and played in the bath tub while we called daddy... and canceled library story time. Mommy is in no place to drive right now. 

Infant Heimlich techniques

Jesus Take the Wheel

Surely with all the milk I produce it is just that the doctor wants to meet and discuss my abnormally well functioning Thyroid.

I had a lump biopsied Tuesday (11/30/10)... just as a precaution. My doctor has been telling me for 2 years that it is probably nothing, it is smooth not ridged and it hasn't really changed in size. But I have a baby now and a wonderful marriage. No use in risking anything.

I was told the hospital lab would take 2 days and then the Ears/Nose/Throat doctor would look at it and get back to me 2 days after that. I called on Monday and they said everything looked benign, but lets set up an appointment for Wednesday. Today is Wednesday (12/8/10)

No news is good news... moving my appointment up 3 weeks seemed concerning, but they said benign.

Today
"Occational groups of atypical follicular cellular, characterized by longitudinal nuclear grooves, and fine nuclear chromatin. The background demonstrates hemosiderin-containing macrphages and scant colloid. The finds are suspicious for a thyroid neoplasm, possibly a cystic papillary carcinoma."

Love the run-on sentences. It might be cancer.

I can have part of my thyroid removed, but the doctor recommends all of it. If part is removed and it turns out to be cancer, then all of it has to come out.

This is a very slow growing cancer and could take years to effect me... but he says not to wait more than a month or two.

I have spent my life worrying about my metabolism and my hormones. I have had to take anti depressants. None of that could have caused this, it could be genetic... but no one in my family has had this problem. I will have to take pills every day for the rest of my life.

I'm not ready to stop breastfeeding. I'm not. I wont be able to reach my newest donation goal. But I do intend to live forever. And I will still be able to nurse my baby.

The Day I Watched God Work

I held a baby yesterday. I fed him from a bottle. He is 6 months old and loves to eat, he is a tiny little baby but he is healthy and beautiful. The bottle was mine, the milk was mine, the baby was not.

It is hard to write about this because I don't want to sound prideful ain any way. I know my gift is from God alone and nothing I could do would have given it to me any other way.

When Atlas was born I knew I wanted to pump and save whatever I could. I knew too many people who had had production issues and I did not want to be one of them. I also was determined to nurse MY baby for at least a full year. With much work and dedication I have pumped and donated over 5500 ounces to Get PUMPed. I still have another 800 ounces (and growing) in my freezer.

So one day I get an email forwarded to me from the director of Get PUMPed. It is from a mom who is grateful for the organization. Her baby can't stomach any other mom's milk my mine. He is fussy and pukey and has skin issues with the other milk... but not mine. He can't even tolerate formula... but loves my milk. My milk has kept this tiny little precious gift from God alive and healthy. I burst into tears and tried to explain to my husband who was instantly concerned with what was wrong. He had to come read over my shoulder.

The first time I donated, I cried. I was giving away all this nourishment that God had Blessed me with... all of this that was supposed to be for MY baby. I was taking it from MY baby. Depriving him of something meant specifically for him. But those tears were quickly dissolved at my next pumping... yeah, my baby would always have enough. More fish and loaves. And believe me, I dont know where it comes from. I was a glorified A-cup.. padding and underwires required. These days I wake up and am practically nursing on them myself.

On Monday, I get a call from the director of Get PUMPed. They want to meet me. I dropped everything and said YES!YES!!YES!!! We met Tuesday at 2.

Their older son walked in first. I have never met such an eloquent person in my life, and here was this bright and brilliant 10 (today) year old. He was charming! And then I met Baby J and his parents.

I have never felt eyes on me like I did that day. The dad just looked at me like I had done something amazing. He looked at me with awe. I have preformed my whole life on stages for recitals and plays and never had a reaction like that. I was a little bit uncomfortable. Basically I see pumping as something I have to do. It is just part of my day, not a big deal.. but to them, it gave them a life. Even my husband told me as we left that what I did WAS actually amazing to him.

Our babies looked at each other. They are Milk Brothers and will always have that in common. Who else do you know has a relationship like that? I hope they will know each other forever.

I held this little boy with my first bottle ever, of my milk, and fed this baby. My baby wont take a bottle... we are on to sippy cups when he needs a little extra fluids, but otherwise he is a boob-baby. Baby J was so calm and just looked all around. He was peaceful. I asked if he needed to burp, and with my milk they said he doesn't. Which is weird. My baby has never had to either. I hugged this baby and he hugged me back. I fell in love. This family is a good Christian, God loving family. They are missionaries who are helping children in other countries. They are just beautiful and I could not have handpicked them ... my milk would not have been worthy of them. But for some reason it is. I am so Blessed to know that I have helped them in such a way. Something so easy and comes so naturally for me, has meant so much to someone else.

It's really hard for me to wrap my mind around. It is just to big for me. I am just honored I get to be a part it.

(Atlas is still dressed for Santa, we had pictures earlier in the day)

Health Scare

It's been a while since I posted. Atlas is 8 months old and has NOT been vax'd yet at all, he will be in the next few week, but just Polio to start with. He is healthly, crawling, 4 teeth, pulling up, trying to walk, saying "Kitty," has said MOM and DADA... and we are ECing.

Elimination Communication (EC) is a mom potty-training ... so far I catch his cues frequently, he also catches mine... he is on the potty 3-4 times a day and is successful almost every time. He has mastered the "squeeze squeeze squeeze" and generally CAN squeeze out a tiny little poopie at least.

Now lets talk about me.

I have a bump on my neck and it has been there 2 years or more.. My doctor felt it, said lets watch it, let me know if you get worried, so far so good... fast forward 2 years... I have a baby and I go back to her. She says it has not changed, it is smooth, same size-ish, not causing me pain or discomfort, I swallow normal ect. Again.. nothing to worry about, but I do, that's who I am.

She sends me to have an ultra sound and they now send me to a specialist (ears nose throat Dr.) . I go to him, he sends me to get a biopsy... I go. The Dr dude is younger than me... wth?!?! I feel old. He stabs me in the neck with lanocaine. Ouch! Bee Sting! Then he takes 3 samples. The lab guy who is in the room says the second sample is not very good... he stabs me with a 22 vs 25 needle and gets more. My neck is numb but I can feel him aiming for it. He has the ultrasound wand pushing against the other side for leverage and he had to move the needle a bit to get to the right spot... bleh! Not painful, but creepy. I felt it. So everything looks good. He says that part of it was tissue and part fluid that is why it was tough.

Give it 2 days the lab guy would get it back to my Dr; give him 2 days and if I havent heard back then "no news is good news" (my appt was December 31st) otherwise I can call if I am worried. I call this morning (4 work days later) and leave a message. I go about my day and forget about it. My family heads out for a walk after dinner at 6:30 and my phone rings.

The lady tells me the "nodule" is indeed a tumor. It is likely benign, but the dr may want more tests, they want to reschedule my appt for as soon as possible...On their schedule that is Wednesday at noon. I hav eno idea what the difference is in a nodule and a tumor... if you know PLEASE comment!

This freaks me out bc you cant give out bad news on the phone.. you aren't technically allowed to give ANY news over the phone. The fact that they would encourage me to come back in regardless of the fact the secretary called me back in... that is something to worry about.

I was pretty OK for the first 2 hours, then my husband went to bed and I kind of freaked out a tad bit. We had a girlfriend come over when Atlas was several weeks old. She meant no harm but jokingly told me, "I could run off with this sweet thing, and he would never remember you." That stuck with me.

Also I am still donating 40 ounces a day to GetPUMPedOnline.org... Atlas isnt on ANY solids yet.. not until Christmas day and 9 months old. I am not ready to be put on medications or anything weird... I dont want to stop nursing... It is all frustrating for me.

Today (Tuesday) is a great day... Atlas is having his 8 month pictures taken with Santa at Target and then we are going to meet Atlas' Milk Brother, Josiah. It is a pretty special day.

Please say a prayer for our family. Thanks!

Life Begins at Home

This is very much how we started out.. Birth at home? No way!! Apparently others "start out" that way too.

Life begins at home

Reporter and wife choose home birth to the astonishment of man

Read more: http://www.nsnews.com/health/Life+begins+home/3684754/story.html#ixzz12lAW1dTH

Preparing baby #1 for a homebirth and baby #2

Nope. I am NOT pregnant... but this might be a good book for Atlas when we decide to have a #2.

We're Having a Homebirth!! Children's Book Post by Peaceful Parenting

Click the link and check out the site... she has a giveaway coming up soon for that book! As for me, it's going on our Amazon Christmas list!

A few rantings

Oh so many things on my mind and I just wish I had time to rant on them all!

But until I find time to dissect them individually, here is the run down...


Home Births Under Fire by Jennifer Block

• “Women are not merely participants in this process, we are the process. All women want to have healthy babies.” Indeed, a recent survey of women who planned home births found that their primary reason for doing so is precisely the thing they are accused of blowing off: safety.
• Much like the woman in this article, I NEVER imagined I would be having a home birth. But researching everything I have seen since... I will NEVER do it any other way assuming I don't have any complications.
• I encourage everyone to look into it. YES it is scary. VERY. But so was birth in general. Having control of where I was and where I moved and how I moved and what I ate or drank helped keep things in MY ball park and without that control over myself, I would have been an anxious, hyper, upset woman.

Humana Helps Similac Advertise to Their Subscribers by the Feminist Breeder

• O.M.G! I can't make this stuff up. 
• A recent Humana Health Insurance “Smart Summary” statement, which they describe as the “Family’s personal health finance and benefits statement.”
• ATTENTION INSURANCE AGENCIES: It would cost everyone less if you would encourage breast feeding! 1. It's FREE. 2. It's proven to be healthier than formula. 3. It's proven it will reduce future health issues. 
• TFB includes pictures if you don't believe me.

I know there were other articles I was recently ticked off about, but right now they escape me and my baby is under furniture, so I will have to get back to you on that.

What's wrong with these posts?!

From an email I got today from Babycenter.com... Of course I clicked each link.

• Everything you need to know about vaccines
• 5 surprising stories about vaccines
• Is it better to delay some shots?

 The thing is, every last one of them was about GETTING the shots asap. My DH thinks it is a conspiracy theory that so many people "are making excuses as to why to NOT get the shots" ... for f'n real. Even the link about DELAYING says that "but an infant is so much more susceptible to all these things that are going to kill them." If you are keeping your kid out of the sun (as dr recommended) for the first 6 months, then how much chance do they have at contracting HepB?! Really? 

Of course I know that is not how you get HepB. I just think that getting some of these shots are just as logical as that statement.


HEY!!! Make sure to read Babycenter for EVERYTHING you need to know about vax.  Then shoot me please. The conspiracy theory isn't in those not wanting to shoot up their kids with chemicals.


If I even have any readers at this point.. what are YOUR thoughts on these links?

Your OB said WHAT?!!?1

For poopy diapers and giggles... did your OB say anything like these things? This would make me mad if it weren't so damn asinine. 
~My OB said WHAT!?!?