Today I fell on my back, thanks snow covered ice. Pray please.

I had my first fall on ice. OMGGGGGGGGoodness I was in such pain that I laid in the snow (there was ice UNDER IT!!!) and just moaned and hoped someone anyone heard me. I was in my driveway. This happened at 4:09pm. I dont know how long I laid there on my back. Felt like 10 minutes. I got very cold.

I had a fight or flight moment and somehow managed to get up. I was in so much pain I didnt even cry. I thought I had broken my hip or my tailbone. Still not completely sure I havent. I got inside and was kept saying "Bob, I fell, I fell." over and over and over. He helped me to the couch where I fell on my face and laid there for almost 2 hours. We iced, we used Essential Oils, we iced, more E.O.s. Aria wanted to nurse and I about died trying to find a way to sit up. When Bob went to help me back to laying down I thought for sure my hip was broken. I have Spina Bifida Occulta (sounds awful, but 1/3rd of the world has it, you all just never find it without an injury... I broke a bone in my back at 12 years old in gymnastics) and Spondylolisthesis. THE LAST THING I NEED is to injure my lower back more. A few minutes ago I was able to get up and walk a little. I am feeling a bit better than I was just after it happened, so I am praying to God that I only bruised it.

We considered going to the ER, but we dont qualify for indigent and we are almost paycheck to paycheck right now.... oh and then there are the holidays were you are required to spend more money... and the gas to travel next week. ::headdesk:: I truly believe the EOs have been helping, but I am still in a fair amount of pain. My neighbor is a Physical Therapist and I texted him, he offered to come over tonight, but I went from paralysis to walking 7 steps and decided we would wait until tomorrow when we could actually have an "appointment" not just abuse our neighbor, if I needed to be seen.

PLEASE pray for me that this is just a deep bruise. I am not even concerned with not being able to jog for a while, and if you know me, you know how much I depend on my daily run. I just dont want to have hurt my back :'(

I also have that whole thyroid thing going on that I posted about in the facebook group... but really, this seriously trumps it right now.

Thanks In Advance for the prayers <3 span="">

First LLL meeting in Pittsburgh after our move

I went to LLL today.

Met the lady who I emailed with 3 months ago (yep checked the email date) she is one of the 3 leaders. She remembered me, which made me feel better... She was sweet and right around my age with a 4 and 2 year old who liked to rough house... she had her own issues of keeping them calm without loosing it... she was NOT like Jenn and just chilled out with her kids doing their thing. Might have had something to do with her boys screaming...

Atlas behaved mostly... it was neat to watch him. He was nervous. HE kept coming back to me and pointing to the kids he "WANTED" to play with and getting reassurance from me. YES!!! GO PLAY!

There is another little girl there born on Aria's birth date. Pretty little thing :) Her mom and I exchanged numbers and facebooks.

I feel so stupid... like had *I* not been the outgoing one... then I never would have met ANYONE!

The tandem meeting is 2 Tuesdays away. They corrected me an said it was mostly TODDLER nursing... There needs to be more clarification and Orlando needs a Tandem group STAT! (Cindy) Apparently it is kinda common... well in bubbles like ours.

I cried when I left, with 2 kids strapped on me, headed up a busy-ish in-town road up (the hill) to my car, which was parked in front of a town home (that was 3 stories tall and the lady coming out said the only parking rules were that street sweepers came on such and such day) .. and then realizing that the kid parked on the sidewalk went first, and luckily the road wasnt busy when #2 little went in... All I really have to say is thank God for GPS. really.

Life is an adventure and I am just holding on with eyes closed... except when a road is involved.

I dont think I want a 3rd kid. But I REALLY mourn pregnancy and birth.

AP is the life for me.... and why!

Not even sure why this is controversial. In my bubble of mommies we believe that children no matter how little are people who deserve respect, but also learn differently and we need to care for them tenderly to grow them into healthy well adjusted children.

Attachment Parenting (AP) relies on several very distinct parenting choices. Not to say that you must excel at each of them or even incorporate them all. Whether you choose to AP or not doesnt decide if you are an outstanding parent or not. It is simply a way to parent that works for us. And whatever works for *YOU* and your family is what you should do.

Here are some AP styles we incorporate and why.

Breastfeeding - DAMN SKIPPY. My child has been sick twice. When my husband or myself has been sick, my awesome body has faught with the strength of an active healthy adult to make me well.. and all those wonderful, natural, healthy antibodies went straight to my child who never caught what I had. Plus its cheaper and safer than store bought chemical laced powder. I know what is in it. And children who are nursed tend to grow up to be healthier with healthier BMIs and stronger immune systems

EXTENDED breast feeding - yep, we still do it. I technically tandem nursed the entire time... I pumped and donated 13K ounces while nursing my baby. That is the equivalent of feeding 3 babies a year! My child didnt have any solid foods for the first 9 months bc I wanted to make sure he had complete gut closure so he could avoid some of those nasty food allergies that sooo many children get due to food being introduced too early, yes, even baby cereal at 4,5,6 months. I quit pumping to get pregnant and immediately got lucky! I have since STILL been tandem nursing... I nurse my 25 month old as I grow my new baby. No one is lacking and momma gets to indulge in a little more food that normal to keep up with all this nutrition I am producing. I dont have a timeline or a date that I plan to stop nursing my son. When he is ready I will be too. He almost weaned himself at 23 months old... then he changed his mind. I know we wont always have this bonding experience, so I am OK with it as long as he is. However, new baby will come first very soon ;-)

Co-sleeping - We did it. We couldnt keep it up after he started rolling around b/c the dog also... CO-SLEEPS with us and would likely eat the child. When my child was new, the only way I could expect to get any sleep was to co-sleep and let him nurse whenever he needed it. A nursed baby needs to eat every 2 hours... ya see, breastmilk is the perfect baby food and is digested perfectly so it doesnt sit and sour in the childs belly... so when it is digested, little baby is hungry again. I enjoyed the firs 3 months of mommyhood and I did it well rested. Women who tend not to get enough sleep during that difficult transition also are at higher risk of suffering from PPD. And that is not good for any one.


Baby wearing - STILL DO IT! My child is a runner and sometimes it is just not a good situation to have him "loose" in. When we are in a store, I dont have to worry about leaving my child in the cart, he is on my back, happy and looking over my shoulder. When he was an infant I was able to keep up with housework which helped me feel like a productive member of my family. Plus it is fun to carry him with free hands. We do plenty of park activities and I play with him a LOT, so it isnt like I am keeping him confined. He likes being worn :) Plus, there are some really stylish and fun wraps you can use!

Baby Led Weaning - This is where instead of buying the shelf stable baby purees you actually wait until your child is interesting in EATING, like a real person and then letting them explore food. It's messy and the food doesnt really stay in their mouth in the beginning. But that is OK. They are exploring textures and flavorings. For our family, we chose to wait until our child was 9 months old to begin to let him explore foods. All of his cousins have food allergies, not for any reason their parents caused, but there are ways to help deter those allergies. One of those ways is to ensure Gut closure. A baby's intestines are not fully developed when they are born... and they take a different length of time to fully strengthen and "close." When you have full "gut closure" a child will better be able to fully digest the food it eats. Otherwise particles of food can cause irritation and infections and furthermore, allergies. I'm not exactly sure of the science behind all of it, but I do know the only thing our child has ever had an allergy to was Feta Cheese, and we gave him that soft cheese far too early. I think the first real food Atlas enjoyed was steak. This is one smart kid!

Several sites that are talking about this:
Time Magazine
Further info from Time Magazine
more possitive articles
Healthline on Time
Today Show info on Time 
Breastfeeding a 3 year old IS normal
Positive notes on the Huffington Post


I LOVE THIS ARTICLE -
"[It's] really ironic that at a time when the news is full of stories about moms who neglect their kids, who don't feed them or tan them against their will, that somehow we're entitled to judge the people who are spending too much time with their kids in a positive way."

"Above all else, Ford said her family practices attachment parenting, which *includes* breastfeeding beyond the recommended one year mark, but *it's not her rule book*. *She does tell her children no*, she and her husband go on date nights, and she doesn't feel like the young ones are running the household." 

Here we go-ohhohh

Not sure what this year will bring. I know I will be having a baby. She has to come out. But beyond that I really dont know what else this year will bring.

We've been offered a new job in a new state. Problem being that we are expecting a baby in the next 6-7 weeks and they want him there in 3 or 4 weeks.

We have planned a beautiful home birth, we have the tub, the midwife, the photographer... I've had the Blessingway, my ladies have their ceremonial cords and are waiting to hear about the birth, rush over, bring food, cuddle the baby and cut the yarn off their arms.

Moving is long and tedious... it takes packing, unpacking, figuring out where everything is... lifting, heavy lifting, carrying.... all things I would be useless at before and after baby.

If hubby goes early, or rather, when they want him, then we risk me birthing without him. I could go with him, but finding the right birth team is not just something you go to a store and pick up. He says he could jump on a plane... but my birthing is pretty darn quick. When I got going last time it was about 2.5 hours... he doesnt want to be without me.. and I NEED my best friend with me. We are a team and did this together, we need to birth together too.

My mommy group is the most amazing support system I have EVER encountered. Sure we will always have facebook, but crying on the shoulder of a computer can totally ruin the screen.  I could join LLL up there, hope to find an Attachment Parenting group that will accept me and my quirks and my so-not-AP techniques (on occasion.)

So maybe he will get a really awesome counter offer and we can stay... maybe the new job can wait 2 weeks after the baby comes... and we can just pack up and move once she arrives... maybe I can pack up all my buddies and stick them in my pocket and carry them with me.

I'm scared. I told myself... Dont get worked up over it until you have to. He could have a million interviews and only 2 people want him (the others would be stupid... but we know that happens in this industry.) So nothing to worry about until things happen. Right?! OK it's happening... now what?!

----
Other things that happened today -

Red Light Traffic Court - got lucky and they let me pay the lesser fine, but still stuck me with court fees

Heard back from the Bone Marrow Donor program - Due to my spina bifida occulta and Spondylolisthesis I am only eligible to donate blood and the cells from that... thanks to last years thyroid cancer, I am off the list until January 7, 2016... I'm bummed out, but overwhelmed with so much else that this actually took a back burner and I never saw myself putting it there. I sure hope the person who I matched gets a good match with the other 2 or 3 matches found nationwide. FTR - I was the ONLY match through the NBMD, I am only guessing that there are a few others through another program.

When the time comes...

If every I am forced to have RAI (Thyroid cancer and Total Thyroidectomy January 7, 2011) then I need to remember to re-read THIS POST.

It talks about how long your body might still be radioactive... we all process it differently.. so how safe *do* we need to be!?! Apparently more.

Avalon's Birth Story - December 27, 2007

Hi, this is Avalon's mommy, Sydney. Avalon was due on December 27th of 2007, but I went into labor naturally on December 30th. These were some of the grumpiest time dragging days of my life. Seriously, I can't even really remember what happened in those 3 days, other than I mostly sat around and waited. I don't remember having any nesting instincts. On my actual due date, Simon and I walked around Walmart trying to get things going (it was cold outside!). A nice lady came up and said, very sweetly, "Oh you're so cute, when are you due?" I actually growled "TODAY!". Poor lady, she walked away so confused, but I bet later she realized I was mad about it.

So on the evening of the 2nd, we went to bed yet another day without a baby. I slept quite well actually for being so huge and uncomfortable (I even laid on my back at one point, I think). At 5:15 am I felt a bit wet and my first thought was "why am I sweating?" as I woke up. Then I realized that my water had broken! I woke up Simon, who was instantly in action mode, getting the bag and trying to rush me out the door. I told him that I had a few minutes since I wasn't having contractions. So I took a shower, but was so exited I was shaking. I also told Simon to take the sheets off the bed, and that I was so happy we bought that "bed protector thingy". I then lazily got dressed, trying my best to stay calm. I brought multiple towels to put in the car, because I was leaking like crazy. It was a fountain of water, or felt like it. Probably was more like a drip, but in my mind I was swimming.

We went down to the hospital, South Seminal, and the lady at the desk was all very calm and saying "well, we'll have you wait it out a bit because it doesn't look like you are in labor". She said this because Simon and I were laughing and smiling. Then I told the lady that my water had broken. And she started moving then! Got me in a room for checkup immediately. Got shuttled down to the first room where I changed out of my clothes and into a gown. The nurse checked me then told me to walk to the labor/delivery room. I stood up to follow Simon and his mom (who had just arrived, my parents were in route from Fort Myers) I yelled for the nurse, because I was dripping on the ground and really embarrassed. She laughed and said don't worry about it. But I was so embarrassed!

Got moved into the very nice labor room, and laid around a bit. I can't remember my exact numbers, but I was progressing nicely. At one point a nurse took pity on me and brought me breakfast, telling me not to tell anyone that she had done that. I ate the whole thing.

At one point, maybe 2 pm, my labor started to slow. The Dr came in and checked me, I had stopped progressing and Avalon was running out of air. I got scared here because, hey my kid needs air right? So they put an oxygen mask on me. I also requested an epidural. I have scoliosis and was scared about the prospect of them even being able to find the right spot fo rht epidural. The woman who does them came in and was very helpful. I explained my feelings, and she understood. So she took a long time finding the right spot (the whole time I was miserable sitting up bent over) but got the needle in right and I felt better after. Since my back is all wonky, and my hips are strange, my midwife and I had talked multiple times about the small chance of a C-section but she felt that I would be ok and be able to go naturally.

After the epidural was in, things got into motion again. I had just the right about of pain-numbly goodness. I could still feel everything, but it took the edge off. Avalon's heart beat was slowing and she was still lacking some oxygen, but the Dr said we'll wait it out a bit. He did mention pitocin, if I didn't progress more. At this point, Simon's mom got him Taco Bell and they were watching a movie. I was so pissed at them because the food smelled awesome and I couldn't see the TV since my glasses were off for the oxygen mask! I kept staring at them and giving them the stink eye. But I told Simon to eat since only one of us could.

Suddenly, things picked up, and fast. I felt the need to push out of no where, and the nurse (who was so awesome!) was right there. She had me do a couple small pushes to see how far things were. She looked a bit surprised, and ran out to fetch the Midwife. The midwife I had worked with my entire pregnancy had left the practice a few days before I went into labor, but fortunately I had met the one I had now before. The midwife came in, and said "You're ready to push". My reaction was "duh". So I pushed for a bit about 30 minutes. She said I was doing really well, and went to change her gloves. She said, ok I need you to stop for just a minute, and I said "I don't wanna!!!!" Then laughed with Simon. POP Avalon came flying out right then, into the Midwife's hands- she hadn't put on her new gloves yet. Simon and I just kept laughing and crying, and the midwife was laughing too as she put our gorgeous new baby girl on my chest. In truth, I was a bit grossed out cause she was covered in stuff  but that went away quickly once I looked into her eyes, and kissed her head. Simon got to cut the cord, hand shaking and scared he'd hurt her.

The birth team (the ladies who take the babies and get them clean) hadn't been called yet because I was going so quickly. So they rushed in after I got to hold her for awhile.

Avalon weighed in at 8 pounds, 21 inches, she was born at 6:10pm. She looked like a 3 month old. All her apgar scores were 10, with one 9 which changed to a 10 in 5 minutes. At one hour old, she was already picking up her head and looking around. The nurse came in at one point during that and said "She shouldn't be able to do that". The midwife came in to check on me and told me that she had never had a mom laugh during labor, and she was so happy to have been a part of Avalon's birth. She was a little teary eyed too. She said I did so well and that 30 minutes of pushing was her personal record.

A lot of my family and friends were able to come see her soon after she was born, which was a really awesome experience to have them there.

We had some breastfeeding issues in the hospital and after, but got it all figured out at about 5 months. Avalon's such an awesome kid, I'm so lucky to have her. And I will NEVER forget that she was born with laughter.

Dear Mommy...

Dear Mommy,

Thank you for loving me so much!

I know that I am almost 2 and that means exploring new things around me and growing up. That means I have to test my boundaries, otherwise how will I learn them?

Thank you for making me milk for the past 23 months. You have really helped to mold and shape my life and my immune system. And it is wonderful to know that I will miss out on many of those yucky stomach bugs and viruses that would hurt and make me cranky. I am kinda like Superman in that regard!

I am growing into an independent little guy and you have taught me to listen to my body and know what to do. I stop playing and "shake it off" when I get hurt. I drink my water when I am thirsty and no longer require a splash of juice. I have always loved my squishy squash and the other veggies you have allowed me to try. I even think I would like to eat a raw onion, whole. Thanks for taking my to pick strawberries and not freaking out when I taste sticks and rocks. After all, they might be good... I just want to find out.

I know that you are sad that I am growing up and not needing you to make me milk. I don't want you to be sad. I want you to know that I have really enjoyed our cuddles and snuggles and sharing that time together. There is no one else in the world that could pull it off quite like you could, Mommy. My body is telling me that you are doing such a great job giving me good fruits and veggies and grains that I no longer require your milk. I know you will miss that time together, Mommy, but there are a lot of other things we can do together. I love to run into you and knock you down! It means I love you very much and trust you not to move and let me run into the table (again.) I also enjoy feeding the kitty snacks and squishing her with hugs. Speaking of hugs, I like to rub your belly and hug my sister ... and while I am there, I will beep your belly button a few more times.

Mommy, you should be proud of how long you stuck it out and how healthy you made me. I am proud to have you as a mommy and your dedication to me shows me exactly how much you love being my Mommy! Please don't be sad, be proud of who you grew me up to be!

I love you this much!
Atlas

Take time to smell the flowers... No.SERIOUSLY.Stop.

*Lessons I have learned from my child*

Sunday Atlas wanted to walk into church, so once I got him to the walkway I let him take his time. He stopped at the end of the walkway and leaned over to smell the flowers. They were little flowers no more than 3 inches off the ground. But to a 22 month old, they were significant and deserved to be smelled.

We got closer to the door, I glanced up to see Gene Mellott standing at the door as he does every Sunday, holding the door open. this was the second time this day he had opened the door... and he closed it again when Atlas saw the flat round concrete disks the children from Art in A Park had made by hand. He decided he wanted to jump from rock to rock.

I was losing patience but looked up to see Gene still watching him. One more potted flower to go.

Atlas stopped again and smelled the last of the flowers. I shook my head and Gene and I both laughed. We made it inside and Gene closed the door behind us.

Gene passed away early Monday morning. While I wish I had hugged his neck one more time, I am so grateful that we shared one last precious moment. Gene was a staple at the church. You just *know* he will be there when you go, so you smile and say hello and find your seat. He just helps the flow of the church and you don't think that one moment someone will be here and the next they wont.

I have learned a lot from my child and I will be the first to admit that I often dread stopping to smell the flowers.. I'm in a rush to get things done before I get exhausted. But on this one morning like all others, I am glad we did. I know that God planted that lesson in Atlas to show me.

Rest in Jesus' loving arms, Gene.

June 3, 1935 - February 6, 2012

 Obit

Can you hear it? I can hear it... click click click

That is the sound in my head. All 3 of my remaining brain cells randomly running into each other. It doesn't hurt, really... just kinda makes me wonder if an elf has been coloring my roots.

I'm talking baby brain.

I swore by it when I was pregnant with Atlas. Then somewhere in the 18 months of non-pregnancy I completely forgot about it and forgot the helpless feeling of forgetting what day of the week it was ... several times in the same day.

Baby brain is very real.

The only logical explanation these 3 brain cells keep clicking back to me is that I am low on blood. This blood sucking parasite is totally frying my brain!

And what is worse... during those 18 non-pg months I truly believed I must have made it up out of sheer exhaustion! REALLY?! Like I could pretend to be this forgetful!

ooo ooo ooo

Do you have a clue?

You don´t have a clue

...

All the blood to your brain

Is in vain

...

All your stupid friends love you for your mind

I´ve seen you, perfectly designed

Don´t make me smile, don´t make me smile

All you thoughts are perfectly unkind

...

Don´t make me smile

All the stars in the sky

Just crossed your eyes

All the blood to your brain

Is in vain

It's insane

... CLUE by Frente

I can only imagine what my husband is thinking. The other day he left while the baby was asleep in his big boy bed and came home to find me passed out on the couch and the kidlet sitting in front of me watching the news. Come on, I knew he was sitting there at least.

Surging hormone levels and new priorities may explain why pregnancy brain happens.
"There are 15 to 40 times more progesterone and estrogen marinating the brain during pregnancy, and these hormones affect all kinds of neurons in the brain," says Louann Brizendine, MD, director of the Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California, San Francisco. (more)

 Where as I? I forget. But I think it is bc the baby needs the blood more than I do. ...little does it know.

Bed Time Prayer

I saw a beautiful prayer today! Made me wonder if this is how it really was supposed to go and who in the world would have cut it down? I say my prayers every night. I thank God first for his love, for my husbands love and then my child, my future child and my health. Not sure what the "correct" order should be, but it works for me :)

†Answered Prayers† Farm

‎~Bedtime Prayer~

Now, I lay me down to rest
I thank the Lord; my life is blessed
I have my family and my home
And freedom, should I choose to roam.

My days are filled with skies of blue
My nights are filled with sweet dreams, too
I’ve no reason to beg or plead
I have been given all I need.

Beneath the subtle moonlit glow
I thank the Lord, so He will know
How grateful I am for my life
In times of glory and of strife.

The times of glory give me hope
The times of strife teach me to cope
Thus, I am much stronger in turn
Yet grounded, still, with much to learn.

Now, I lay me down to rest
I thank the Lord; I’ve passed the test
Of yet another day on earth
Grateful for its abundant worth.

This day has been a special dream
From morning ‘til the last moonbeam
Yet, should the coming dawn bring sorrow
I’ll rise, thankful I’ve reached tomorrow.

-Jill Eisnaugle

1 year ago today I became cancer free... maybe

1 year ago today I had cancer surgery.
Child birth was less scary.

At the time they didnt even *know for sure* if it was cancer but decided to remove a major organ from my neck to check and see.

They took out part of my thyroid, the right side, sent it to the pathologist while I lay on the table unconscious. When the results came back that the cells were still abnormal, they took out the left side and only then closed me up and sewed me back together.

They told me I would only need to spend 1 night in the hospital, but after that first day I was still so groggy and scared to move that I requested 1 more day to heal and regain my strength. There was no way that I could go home and not hold my child and be told to rest instead of play. There was no way I would have the strength to play. I stayed. Later that day Gabriel Giffords was shot outside of a grocery store, a little girl and several others died.

It took 8 months for my medications to get straightened out and my thyroid hormone levels to get to an acceptable level to be given a "green" light to get pregnant again. The next day I stopped pumping in hopes of getting my cycle back. To date I have donated 12,442 ounces of milk to Get PUMPed. I have 600 more ounces in the freezer out of fear that I could dry up and still want to give Atlas my milk. One day short of 4 weeks later, my cycle returned and 3 weeks later I was pregnant.

At our baby's first ultrasound I also had my 1 year thyroid ultrasound. I had had the previous ultrasound 5 month prior and there was no thyroid and no parathyroid damage. This time however they discovered that my thyroid was growing back. There was a nodule the same size as the encapsulated cancer nodule. If I were not pregnant now, I fear they would tell me to wait.

As soon as this baby is born (Due July 4th) I am having another biopsy and then they will decide from there if I will need more intense procedures.

My endocrinologist wants me to have the iodine scan. They give you a small dose of radioactive iodine to see where the thyroid cells have floated off to throughout the body. This radiation is specific to the thyroid as your thyroid is the only organ that will attract the iodine that the radiation is connected to. That also means that nursing might be out of the question.

That is a big deal to me.

There is no test to prove that it has all made its way out of my body. Not if I have the low dose "scan" or the mega dose "2 week isolation"... the radiation is not a light, it is a pill and it can seep out with bodily fluids including things as simple as sweat. Not hot and muggy jogging sweat, but even sticky finger or hot neck kind of mild sweat. If that radiation come in contact with another being, then what organ in their body can attract the radiation? Their thyroid. Then what can they end up with? Thyroid cancer. Yes, nursing will be done.

The whole thing scares the hell out of me. For one, my "cancer" is gone and not coming back. it was fully encapsulated and removed. Nothing spread. Radiation destroys your bones. I don't even want to risk my health further by doing something I don't need.

The whole situation sucks. And I am scared.

More things my doctor didn't tell me...

Your thyroid can grow back. Awesome. Not.

Last January 7th I had my entire stinking Thyroid completely removed because there was this hard bead of cancer in it. The cancer did not spread. It was completely encapsulated. My doctor had not been concerned with it as it hadnt grown in the past 3 years... it was smooth and symmetrical and did resemble anything that seemed like cancer.

Well, my son was about 7 or 8 months old and I got excited about the thought of having another baby in the next year so I went back and got it checked out again... I told her I wasn't comfortable with it and I wanted it REALLY checked out, not just us feeling it. I had an ultrasound and a biopsy and everything said that the cells looked concerning but they couldnt tell if it was cancerous. It had to be removed.

I was a WRECK. PMS, pregnancy, adolescence... nothing had every taken a toll on me like the stress and fear of this surgery that would forever change my life... "Just in case" it was cancer. I got 4 follow up doctors to look at my charts. I was ready for more biopsies so that they werent re-reading the same stupid chart and quoting off the same thing the last doctor had said. I had infact cancelled the surgery 3 days before they were going to do it. I had found peace knowing that it wasnt cancer and we were all being over eager to "explore."

Obvioulsy that didnt last. My husband was at wits end with me and told me it was not an option and that he and my baby needed me and this was just part of what needed to be done. I closed my eyes, held my breath, prayed an awful lot and jumped. I seriously just thought if I breathed deep and closed my eyes I would never even notice.

I spent an extra night in the hospital (away from my 9 month old) because I was not ready physically to return to my responsibilities and I knew I would want to jump right in if I walked in that door.

The week before Christmas 2011... I saw my endo and she once again brings up radiation. My 6 month ultrsound didnt show ANY regrowth, but since I got pregnant, I have been off my Citomel (a higher T3) for about 10 weeks and in that time a nodule (5mm) had grown. The marble like bump that was removed before was also 5mm.

So I am scared that it is growing back, not the cancer, I am certain with all my heart that that will never come back, but they have to stop my thyroid from growing back bc it doesnt function and wont grow back right if it does... I dont want them to reopen my neck to take it out again. They did a good job not injuring my parathyroid, I dont want to risk them ruining them too.

The endocrinologist wants me to have another biopsy in July after my baby is born. She also wants me to have radiation to make sure to kill off any loose and floating around thyroid cells... any strays can cause the cancer to regrow elsewhere in my body. (Except mine was encapsulated and is NOT growing back - sigh) If I have radiation, I will have to be away from my family, including the newborn for 2-3 WEEKS, and breast feeding will be out of the question.... as will likely future children.

I told my endo I would revisit the RAI (radiation) talks after my birthing years were done. I have always wanted 3 kids.

So that is where I am at now. Scared again. Not wanting to really open up and talk about it too much. Kinda in denial.

I have this really amazing life that I dont deserve, but I cherish and it just seems like a cruel joke to have stupid crap like this interfere. That is what it is CRAP!

So.. did YOU know your thyroid can grow back? Apparently its kinda like your liver. Weird.

And the rants begin again...

Well with each renewal of life.. comes re-opening up all the debates. After all, I have to start thinking about it again, right?!


Two really great articles were pointed out to me this morning and THIS is the blog for them! 

Pro-Vaccine Immunologist Admits a Shocking Truth About Vaccines

 "It is pointless to administer drugs intended to stimulate antibody production to babies who are too young to produce antibodies. Infants in their first year mostly depend on generalized, non-specific immunity, including (hopefully) immunoglobulins from breast milk, to protect their young bodies from infection. They do not produce antibodies of their own until about age one. Despite this basic fact, the medical establishment insists administering a total of 19 shots, containing 24 vaccines, to infants on the 2, 4 and 6 month pediatric visits (Source: cdc.gov). Somehow, the basic facts of human physiology and development do not apply to vaccines."

Thinking from an economical perspective... if these things are needed to protect our herds... then why are we wasting them on people who can't use them yet? Never mind the potential risks involved.

I have always advocated waiting (at the very least.) I cant wrap my head around injecting our 10-15 lb babies with poisons that are supposed to kill any of these horrible diseases that they could get over the next 80 years. Really!? This one shot has enough chemical in it to keep my child safe for 80 years?!?! And you want to give him how many of these shots?! How is that safe for this tiny baby?

The next article:

ACOG: Post Dates is Past 42 Weeks

“Waiting for the birth of a child is an exciting and anxious time. Most women give birth between 38 and 42 weeks of pregnancy. But very few babies are born on their due dates. It is normal to give birth as much as 3 weeks before or 2 weeks after your due date.”

What cracks me up is that some people think the baby is going to be TOO BIG to push out of your vagina. Really? You honestly think that God didn't plan for that? That is why we dilate. Of course there are reasons that some babies have to be born early and I am not dismissing those reasons. When you have stats like 30% of hospital births are cesarian and the usage of pitocin is almost half of hospital births I am lead to wonder when we quit trusting God and how amazing our bodies really are at doing their job.

"The rates of both labor induction and C-section have been on an upward trend in the U.S. since the 1990s. Labor inductions have risen from just under 10 percent of births in 1990 to 22 percent in 2006; and in 2007, C-sections were done in almost one-third of all births." (Reuters) 

The baby is not going to attend kindergarten in your uterus. He will come out when he is fully cooked. He's not building a house. Just because he isn't ready when you are doesnt mean that something is wrong. And you know that as the grow their heart rate is SUPPOSED to drop, it doesn't always mean distress. My favorite to shake my head at is those women who plan their births... over and over and over. Not just having a birth plan, but "Little Baby A is going to meet us on January 8th... when we evict him." Awesome. I am so sad that women miss the incredibly empowering opportunity to do this ONE incredible thing that no man can ever do! OhMyGosh, after Atlas was born, I felt like I could conquer anything!! I have held onto that, too. My self confidence is doing pretty well on that aspect.  

I have been told that I am jaded since I had such an amazing experience with my own first birth at home. But I don't think I am a rarity at all. I have a whole gaggle of mommy friends who did the same thing and really want to encourage and inspire other women to get the information they need to be able to do the same... without fear. It's possible, but your birth team needs to make sure you have all the information you can store!

We are expecting again!

We are officially expecting #2. We are 11-12 weeks along. Technician says we are due July 4th, Midwife says July 7th due to ovulation, I say June 27th due to last period. If we go like Atlas did... then June 20th will be the date. (My birthday is June 15th)

I wasn't wanting to announce early on. My endocrinologist told me we would not get pg without "help," but we did. I went back to her the week after we found out and she assured me I would lose the baby. My Synthroid is a very high level and must be kept high due to the cancer earlier this year. You have to have thyroid hormone for your body to get pregnant, to stay pregnant and to know when to go into labor. We are currently reducing my levels slightly and she doesn't think that my body will remember it is pregnant. The level of Synthroid could effect the size of the baby and it's growth, since it makes me high hypo, we are going to have to monitor closely that I am able to put on enough weight, more importantly that the baby does.  Kinda devastating and I didnt want to post a "we lost our baby" post. I know far too many people who have miscarried and I didn't want to have to 'go

there' out loud.

Happier news - Kelli Johnson assures me the baby will be fine and lots of people are on Synthroid, and there are a lot of people on my level of Synthroid and have normal, natural, healthy births.

I LOVE Kelli and I trust her. I am currently in the process of firing my endo and finding one that works on a more natural level and will preform the blood tests I have requested. The current endo refuses to test my reverse levels, thus breeching my right to informed consent.

So that is why a few of you know, or have thought you knew and I have avoided any questions.

We got to see the baby today at our first sonogram! It is measuring a week smaller than it should and of course my mind is playing tricks on me and making me a little crazy, but we go see Kelli tomorrow and I know she will ease my mind.

I know for fact the day I ovulated so I other than having had only 1 period and then 3 weeks until I ovulated, I know the *moment* I ovulated. I can feel it.

So now I am ready, just took me a while.

We are pregnant! YAY! Babies rock! So excited I get to have another!
Also excited that I can finally share our news!

 

~Heather~
Atlas - 20 months

#2 due anytime between June15th and July 15th - aiming for July 4th
but certain it will be well before that.

Sleep parchance to dream

I have read everything. I have listened to everyone. I agree with all of it. I am doing what I need to do.

I am a member of a very natural mommy group. We believe in gentle discipline and sleep. We babywear forever, nurse until they self wean and co-sleep as long as we can stand it. Yeah, my mommy friends would disown me if they saw this post.

What works for some, and seems so cozy-wonderful-ideal-euphoric, doesn't work for everyone. I find myself recently telling mommys to ignore all advice (even from me) and do what works best for them and (key) NEVER second guess it! Mommy always knows best!

Admission: After a 11 day "vacation" (for everyone except mommy) sleep was a foreign word... foreign and 4-letter all sounded the same by then. A mommy never gets vacation. A daddy-vacation means he doesnt have to wake up at 2am... for work... OR FOR BABY.

By the time we got home, Mommy wanted to be adopted.

She promised to be very good, clean her plate and sleep through the night.

There were no takers.

Besides, who would nurse the (nearly) 17 month old?

Suddenly an angel called me. Well not quite, she's kinda this ridiculously amazing mom with 2 children that read by 3 and potty train by 2 and are super duper polite... but she called me (originally to babysit) and told me "LET THAT BABY SLEEP".... dont you think I would? I mean really. I am not running in there with a bull horn to wake him up every hour because it makes the entire day more exciting. I WOULD let him sleep... if he would.

I have learned from some incredible women to go to sleep gently. So if he wakes up crying, he might be scared and need a hug and a rock and 30 minutes of nursing. That is a problem when it is every.single.hour (or 2.) So when my neck started hurting enough (2 weeks home from vacation - still not sleeping) from sleeping and nursing in the glider, I brought him back to bed.

Background:
By 3 months we had him in his crib. We were completely OK with co-sleeping, LOVED IT!!! But that was for ME. I loved it for ME. I wanted him to be OK in his bed... for HIM. We succeeded. But every new tooth or every growth spurt or every vacation we were screwed! Recently I have been longing for a new baby, my thyroid medications (after a totally thyroidectomy due to cancer 1/7/11) are regulated, we are in a good spot and Atlas is getting big... I have cut back on pumping (from 45oz EXTRA -Atlas doesnt drink saved milk -  a day to 6oz) Then we went on vacation and >poof< he is nursing all night long and my supply is back! I seriously pumped over 20 oz one morning in the past few weeks. But Aunt Flow hasn't visited in over 2 years!!! This kid HAS to sleep through the night... and I HAVE to stop pumping.

It has been 3 days since I have pumped... not so fun.
BUT.. it has been over a week that Atlas has been sleeping.

Back to LETTING HIM SLEEP.
I let him sleep... however the first night he chose not to. 5:20am I checked on him and my heart broke into a bajillion pieces!!! He was sitting up in the corner of his crib with his head down, playing with his fingers. It was so sad. But I was determined to teach him that we are NOT getting up before 6am ever again! He didn't sleep that night and the daytime sucked... but I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

My girlfriend assured me that those would be the hardest 3 nights of my life.... I was too exhausted. I knew my kid was dry, fed full, safe and unable to crawl out... I was not going back in until 6am. By night #3, he didnt get back up. I heard him over the monitor... he would cry for 2 minutes and then go back to sleep. Trust me, I was sitting up on the edge of the bed ready to do something, not sure what... but he was crying so I was not ALLOWED to be asleep.

My precious baby has spent the entire last week going to bed around 8pm and waking up at 6am.

So to all my crunchy mommys who think that makes a person a BAD parent... kiss it! We have never had such great sleep and he will never remember it! I half kid. I appreciate all the advice and encouragement I have gotten... but dang... it was not what worked here.

Disclaimer: What works for US, doesn't work for everyone.... but when you get to a  point, you will do anything. We were there.... because HE was there.

IVs during Labor hinder TRUE Birth Weight

WOW! This article made me really start thinking. Those women who are made to think their breast milk has not done its job and it is not "in" yet... that urgency to FIX it and do something unnatural...??

A baby will lose weight after birth (unless you are my kid who has never lost an ounce) that is normal. How fast they add it back on is when doctors worry.

But are you birthing in a hospital? Do you have an IV? That fluid they are pumping into the mother has a direct effect on the baby's weight. He gets what mom gets. When his weight straightens out, a LOT has to do with how much fluid he got during labor.... as well as when his cord was cut (that is a different discussion... did you know a baby's placenta will suck back up to 1/3rd of the childs blood before birth to make labor easier? It makes the baby smaller and his heart rate drop so that the trauma is less.)

I found this article and it makes me feel bad for those mom s who have been made to feel inadequate.

Reader Trips - My best yet!

I did 8 transactions of as close to $30 as possible so that I could use the $5/$30 coupons I got yesterday -

8 - Sabra Hummus, 4 pk 2 oz cup or 10 oz, BOGO at $3.99 ($1.99)
-$1 off Sabra Hummus SS 6/26 or tearpad
Total - $.99 ea

2 - Sweet Baby Ray’s Barbecue Sauce, 18 oz, BOGO at $2.19 ($1.09)
-$1 off Sweet Baby Rays products, SS 5/22 (EXP 06/30)
-1/2 Sweet Baby Rays products, SS 5/22 (EXP 06/30)
Total - $.09 ea

20 - Kraft or Seven Seas Dressing, 14 or 16 oz, BOGO at $2.09
10 -$1/2 Kraft dressing, 14 oz +, SS 6/19
-$1/2 Kraft dressing, RP 5/15
-$1/2 Kraft Italian salad dressing, 16 oz +, (Target coupon) (EXP 06/28) printable
10 -$1/2 Kraft salad dressing, 16 oz, (Target coupon) (EXP 06/28) printable
-B2G1 Kraft salad dressing, 16 oz, (Target coupon) printable
Total - $.55 ea

8 - A.1. Steak Sauce, 10 oz bot, BOGO at $3.71
8-$1 off A-1 steak sauce or marinade, 10 oz +, SS 6/05 (EXP 07/03)
8-$1 off A-1 steak sauce, 10 oz +, (Target coupon) (EXP 06/28) printable
Total - 95¢ or FREE if Target is a competitor
Total - $.15 Overage ea

10 - French’s Classic Yellow Mustard, 14 oz bot, BOGO at $1.55
10 -.30/1 French’s Classic Yellow mustard, SS 5/15 or SS 6/19
Total - $.48 ea

2 - Emeril’s Bam Meals, 14.5 or 15 can, BOGO at $1.49 (74¢)
2 -$1 off Emeril product, June Everyday with Rachael Ray magazine
Total - $.26 Overage ea

6 - Mueller’s Pasta, 12-16 oz, BOGO at $1.49
excludes Lasagna, Jumbos Shells & Egg Noodles
6 -$1 (or $.55 which I got) off Mueller’s pasta (Facebook) printable
Total - $.20 ea

2 - Thomas’ English Muffins or Hearty Muffins, 11-13 oz pkg, BOGO at $3.89 ($1.94)

4 - Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil, 35-75 sq ft, BOGO at $4.29
-$1 off Reynolds Wrap foil, excl 20-30 sq ft, Fill Your Basket with $12 in Savings
4-$1 off Reynolds Wrap foil, excl 20-30 sq ft, SS 5/15 (EXP 06/30)
-$1 off Reynolds Wrap Non-stick foil, SS 5/15 (EXP 06/30)
-$1.50/2 Reynolds Wrap Heavy Duty foil, Kroger My Magazine: Guide to Grilling Greatness
-.75/1 Reynolds wrap foil (excl 20,25,30 sq ft), SS 6/12
-.75/1 Reynolds Wrap Heavy Duty foil, 18 in printable
-.75/1 Reynolds Wrap Non-Stick foil printable
-.75/1 Reynolds wrap non-stick foil, SS 6/12
Total - $1.15 ea

3 - Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Snack Crackers, $1
3-$.75 peelies on them
Total - $.25 ea

2 - Vitamins D3 - Sundown Naturals $2.99
1-$6/2 Sundown Naturals or Osteo Bi-Flex Products, (Publix Coupon), Publix Green Advantage Buy Flyer
-1$1 off Sundown vitamin or supplement, RP 6/12

Total - $2.95 Overage ea

2 - Curad Sterile tape, 20 ct., $2.29
-$2/2 Curad Tape, Sensitive Spots, or Gauze Pads, (Publix Coupon), Publix Green Advantage Buy Flyer
-.50/1 Curad product, SS 5/22 or SS 6/19
(buy (2), use $2/2 store and (2) .50/1, makes both FREE)

Total - $.21 Overage ea

4 - Johnson & Johnson Gauze Pads, 10 ct., $1.99
2-$2/2 Johnson & Johnson Red Cross Brand First Aid or Coach items, Publix Green Advantage Buy Flyer
2-$3/2 blinkie
Total - $.51 Overage ea

2 - Kraft Chunk or Shredded Cheese, 7 or 8 oz, $2
-$1 off Kraft Naturals slices WYB (1) Kraft Natural Shredded Cheese, SS 6/19
-$1.50/3 Kraft Natural Cheese items, 5 oz, Kroger home mailer
-.55/1 Kraft Philadelphia Cream Cheese or Natural Shredded cheese, Kraft Food & Family booklet
-$1 off Kraft Shredded Cheese with a touch of Philadelphia (zip 96727) printable
Total - $1

20 - Carefree Pantiliners, 20 or 22 ct, $1
-$1 off Carefree pantyliners, SS 5/08 (EXP 06/30)
-$1 off Carefree Ultra Protection liners printable
-.50/1 Carefree Acti-Fresh product, June Glamour magazine
-.50/1 Carefree product, RP 3/27 (EXP 06/30)
-.50/1 Carefree product, SS 6/26
-.50/2 Carefree liners printable (limit reached)
-.55/1 Carefree Acti-Fresh product, excl trial size, on product
Total - Overage!

4 - Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing, 20-24 oz, $3.29
-$2 off Tyson Chicken Strips 8 oz AND Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing 20 oz+, (Publix Coupon), Yellow Advantage Buy Flyer
4-$1 off Hidden Valley Farmhouse Originals dressing or salad kit, SS 5/15
-$1/2 Hidden Valley dressing, tearpad
(Buy Tyson at $3.99, use $2 off store, $1 off Tyson mfr, and $1 off Ranch, mfr, makes it $2.29 ea.)
Total - $.29 ea

4 - Tyson Fully Cooked Chicken Breast Strips, 8 oz, $3.99
4-$2 off Tyson Chicken Strips 8 oz AND Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing 20 oz+, (Publix Coupon), Yellow Advantage Buy Flyer
-.55/1 Tyson Grilled & Ready refrigerated chicken, SS 5/08
4-$1 off Tyson product, SS 4/03
(Buy Ranch at $4.59, use $2 off store, $1 off Tyson mfr, and $1 off Ranch, mfr, makes it $2.29 ea.)
Total - $.99

10 - Hormel Completes Kids, 7 oz, $1.67
10 -$1 off Hormel Compleats for Kids, SS 5/08
-$1 off Hormel Compleats Kids Microwave meal printable or printable
-$1 off Hormel Compleats microwave meal printable
-.55/1 Hormel Compleats microwave meal, June All You magazine or SS 5/08
-.75/1 Hormel Compleats microwave meal printable
Total - 67¢

8 - Bull’s-Eye BBQ Sauce 17.5-18 oz, $1
4 -$1/2 Bull’s-Eye barbecue sauce, 18 or 28 oz, (Target coupon) printable
-.55/1 Kraft or Bull’s Eye Barbecue sauce, Kraft Food & Family booklet
Total - $.50

2 - Kikkoman Seasoning Packet, 99¢
2 -$1 off Kikkoman products printable
Total - $.01 Overage

Stride gum - $1.49
Milk - $3.49
Coffee Filters - $3.99
Tortillas - 1.79
3 - Publix Pretzels - 3/$5
Strawberries - 2/$4
Cucumbers - 2/$1 (!!!!!)
2 Mushroom - 2/$3
Onions - 1.99
Bananas - 2.24
Lettuce - $1.29
Green beans - $1.21

3 - $10 off $50 Gas Card WYB $25 Groceries

8 transactions, 7 $5/$30 Publix coupons
Vendor Coupons - 97.80
Store Coupons - 128.55
Special Savings (bogos and sales) - 108.15
Total saved - 334.50
Total spent - neg-26.87
Total 113% savings

*While it was fun to be handed back cash in most transactions, 3 of them I bought a $50 Gas card for $40. All in all I spent $123.13 OOP for $150 in Gas cards and got all those groceries for FREE!

The Business of Being Born

If you haven't watched this... DO IT. Very insightful even with a completely closed mind.
Go HERE

Great Grandparents ROCK!

I was gone most of yesterday. I happen to still have 3 grandparents so Atlas is luck enough to still have 3 GREAT grandparents... and boy are they great!!!

Those are my mom's parents (Great-Grandma and Pop-Pop-Pop) and my dad's mom (Great-Greinke)
They are simply the best!!! Can't you tell how happy Atlas was to visit with them!! He turns 14 months old Wednesday <3

Update - Still Cancer free

That is about it. The lumps in my pits are, in fact, only lymph nodes. I wanted to say "I KNEW THAT"... but I KNEW that my thyroid was fine too and I was wrong on that as well. Better safe than surgery :-D

My synthroid has been bumped up to .150mg from .112mg. My TSH is just under 11... hopefully it will head downhill fast now. I would be sooo happy for it to be at a 4. It needs to be at a .1

Also, my thyroglobulen dropped from a 3.2 to 1.9... that means my lost thyroid cells are shrinking. I think.

New numbers:
BP - 103/63
BPM - 47 <-- whoa low, but I was falling asleep all day long.
T3 - 2.6 (range 2.3-4.2)
T4 - 1.2 (range .8-1.8)
Thyroglobulin - 1.9 (range 2.0-35)
TSH - 10.55

Old numbers:
BP - 103/65
T3 - 2.6 (range 2.3-4.2)
T4 - 1.1 (range .8-1.8)
Thyroglobulin - 3.4 (range 2.0-35)
TSH - 14.68