Monday, January 10, 2011


One of my favorite songs. Ever.

If there were one thing I wanted most, it would be certainty. God doesn't paint us a clear road sign and I have said it all week and I'll say it again - THIS PLAN SUCKS! Sure, "it could be worse." Say it again. It doesn't fix things, it doesn't make me whole again. 

I'm mad. Mad because I shouldn't be dealing with anything this ridiculous. Serious, sure. Pointless and disruptive, COMPLETELY. I'm mad because I am tired and I don't know when it will lift. Mad because I am moody... and scared that it will be hard to fix. Mad because I need to cough and can't bring myself to do so productively so I am fighting coughing all day. I am mad because I want to exercise... but even if given the green light, I'd make it to the corner and back.

I am mad because it is taking time away from my family. I find myself scared to play with my baby, he wants to touch my slice, I want to catch him when he falls or lift him up when he is reaching for me, but I can't even pick him up yet because my slice could open up. I am scared that I am putting distance there on purpose without reason.
I gotta take a risk, take a chance...
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
I am mad because I allow it to still consume me... even in absence. Just because it is gone, it still rules my life. I am ON HOLD until I hear that I wont need RAI.And I BETTER hear that I don't need RAI. After surgery I was supposed to let myself get back to my life. I no longer had to eat, drink, sleep, dream and live thyroid cancer. Knowing that is actually WAS cancer makes me continue to live it. To be it. I don't want to be it. I want to go back to my busy mommy/couponer/blogger life. I want to worry about dust and kitty litter and where the binkie has escaped to.

I am ready to return, but my "I" is not. Breakaway.