Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Things I can feel.

What a day.

Totally not the point, just one of those EXTRA challenges I like to have - I have had a spot on the top of my nose just burst out blood 3 times in the last month. You'd have thought I had a vein running along the top of it and I had slashed it and it was pumping with each heart beat.. and you could see the blood running out of it with the same forceful pump.

So I was loading up to go to the breast surgeon today to have my referral checkup for some lumps under my arm. 10 minutes before leaving I am brushing my teeth and this spot on TOP of my nose opens up and I cant get it to stop bleeding to save my life. My only solution is to ask my husband to ride with me to pick up one of those "stop blood" sticks from the drug store that stops him from bleeding when he cuts himself shaving. However I am almost late and half way on our ride it stops bleeding. The baby starts getting fussy the husband starts getting annoyed that he COULD have stayed home as planned. I wanted him to turn around but we were half way there.

And yes, the baby was CRAZY and active and walking everywhere the entire 30 minutes in the waiting room .. even with the bag full of toys.

In the exam room. Oh I could go into detail... I wont. I was uncomfortable. Mostly because my husband was witnessing someone else touching my breasts. Eventually he took the crazy offspring out of the room to walk around where ever else.

The lumps are under my right arm pit.. so she starts with my LEFT where she finds a small lump. She goes to my right and finds 2 of the 3 lumps. She says that stress can cause the lymph nodes to swell.. or allergies to cats and dogs. The dog is already on my sh!t list. The doctor came in and did the same ultrasound and found the same lumps but in a fraction of the time. One was 9mm the other was 7.7mm.

Facts - The MRI will tell if it IS cancer or not. Better in fact than a biopsy (makes no sense to me either.) Plus you have to have a mammogram before a biopsy... not clear why. Kinda seems like a waste of time to trouble shoot. Do the damn test and let me be of sound mind. Pain and discomfort don't even bother me anymore. Poke, prick, prod. I'm game. I want to get everything good and clear yesterday so I can get pregnant again without worry of something coming up that needs immediate care.

Fact - it takes 3-4 months to "dry up" and I need to be dried up before having an MRI... I SHOULD be before having a routine Mammogram, but since I had ThyCa, routine does not apply. They assume that even though I am very low risk of cancer that I am still AT RISK. I dont mind them taking extra precaution.

Annoyance - Her explanation.

OK I get that the whole imaging can be clearer if there is not milk in my ducts. However I pumped today prior to the scan and the tech could not even tell where my ducts were! Yes, I AM a pro at pumping. However she had the audacity to say...

Her -Your son is over 1 and for social reasons it would be best anyhow to wrap up the nursing.
Me - He was 9 months when he started solids (gut closure reasons to avoid food allergies unlike cousins. It worked and we have not had any issues) he has been on solids 4 months and 1 day.
Her - ::utter shock::
Me - I also want to continue to give him breast milk as the benefits are monumental
Her - I am a breast surgeon, you dont have to tell me the benefits of it
Her - However.... When he starts pre school you dont want him talking about it...
Me - He is 1
Her - some people start around 2
Me - I am a stay at home mom... he wont be starting for years
Her - But the other children will be talking and wondering and you dont want to explain or have him explain.
Me - all of my mommy groups are STILL nursing... some well into toddlerhood... like WELL into it. Not that I plan to, but I want it to be a self weening or my body drying up on it's own.

I didnt bother arguing.
I want her to think I am on the same page because ultimately I want to get this crap taken care of and also its not really any of her damn business when or why.

I understand that IF I have to have an MRI... and that is only after a biopsy comes back with atypical cells (highly unlikely... but I said that before and was WAY wrong) IF I need the MRI then I will lighten up and make sure I am stockpiled in Mommy-Breast-Milk. (BTW - I just donated all of my milk to hit the 10K mark... I have donated 10,122oz to now)... but I am not ready to stop. Nor is my baby! I have gone longer periods of the day without nursing but there isa huge difference in his mood and sleep and hunger level. He JUST turned 13 months. I dont think it unreasonable to continue to nurse him. If I HAVE to stop, then I will, but the doctor's reasons were ridiculous!

I kept thinking "Email Le Leche League!!! Email Connected Mothering!" They would all understand and they would tell me to find a new doctor. No energy for that.

I went to pay the bill an hour and 45 minutes later and texted my hubby to let him know I was done. The baby wanted me to hold him so I did and suddenly that spot on my nose opened back up and began POURING again. FML.

I guess I will be heading to a dermatologist too. 

My girlfriend tonight brought to my attention that sometimes when she feels drained and exhausted she forces herself to think about those unable to feel. Those either dead to feeling... or simply dead. And what would they give to feel again? Even if it meant feeling the crappy way we sometimes feel. How fortunate we are to have worked all the way to that feeling. How fortunate we are to feel such extreme emotion. She is the eternal optimist no doubt. But I felt very 'lucky' after talking to her. My fatigue and need to collapse into tears (if I had the time to) are a very real emotion that I am grateful to have the capacity to feel. And I wont forget what it feels like either. It's intense, but I will get over it and life will go on.