Saturday, January 15, 2011

I'm tired...

... of the attention.

So is everyone else. I didn't ASK for it, people. I wanted to keep it [my thyroid] and just go on with life the way it was but you all told me I HAD to get it out. Granted it has done no harm having it removed [so far... ask me in 14 days when the thyroid half life breaks down.] But apparently even waiting to have the surgery was too much to ask. None of you wanted to be inconvenienced and you all said it was "in my best sake."

Well it sure as hell wasn't my choice to not be able allowed to pick up anything. It wasn't my choice to not be able allowed to drive. My choice was to NOT take the pain meds. I caved in and said "fine, one mother here this week, one next. They don't have to overlap." I REALIZE I am disrupting everyone else's lives. I am sorry! But I asked that it didn't from the start.

I had a "moment" last night... and another tonight.

Last night I snapped at both my husband and mom. I felt attacked. Asking for whatever I would have just gotten up to get had I not had a 22 lb baby in my lap. Eyes rolling and words exchanged. It was all stupid.

Tonight I thought a nice movie that my hubby would have NO interest in would be fun for my own mother and me. Eat Pray Love. Between her dozing and me back to my coupon blog [for the first day in 8 days!] the movie was pretty good... by the end of it I wanted to pass on the info on what time church was. My mother was quick to say, "nah I dont want to go."


Prayer is the only thing that has kept me going for the past month. I have only missed last weekend and that was because I was in a hospital bed. I was a little in shock. Shouldn't your parent WANT you to be dedicated to going? Beyond my own desire to go, I want to see all these Faithful people who have been sending me cards and praying. Not like it is a HUGE deal. On a good day there are 35 people at my quaint church, but it is MY church and the next best thing to family.

I don't mean to bitch, but I CANT DRIVE. I am at the mercy of those around and while I haven't been cooped up a single day, That ends as of Monday when mom goes home. Atlas and I got up at 6:30 this morning. Bob brought him to bed last night since he had no desire to get in the crib. At 6:30 he was biting me and I rolled over to see the time and knew that was it, the kid was ready to party. I got up and rolled him off the bed and [holding his hands] we walked out to the living room to play. My mother woke up an hour later, but went back to bed a little bit later. She has not been feeling well.

She asked me if I could drive to church tomorrow, then said she figured me and the hubby would be going and she could watch the baby... the hubby works at 3am. ...

It's kinda like this - Beyond all the care anyone has given me and the visits everyone has paid and the food all of my dear friends have brought over... every last person who cared has prayed. And I know for a fact that those in my church have faithfully prayed for me. I know because I can feel it. I know because I do it too. Our church is tiny and precious to me and I ACTUALLY pray for the people on our prayer list by name and specifics. I know my fellow church members do the same. PRAYER alone has gotten me through this past month.

Had I not had that appointment... today would have been a seriously different day. Years from now there would have been a seriously different surgery. God has been Good. I need to be there tomorrow.

She said we will go. I just explained the importance of being there. I need to be there as much as I need the break from being in this house.

I am lucky to get 1 hour out of the house via car and 3 walks around the block, right now. SOON life will be back to normal. Right now it isn't and I would really like to keep part of it consistent.

I am tired of being cared for... it is CLEAR that they are tired of caring. I didn't ask for this and I am grateful for the moments I get. I CAN'T STAND depending on others. I am not the dependent type. It kills me. It humbles me. But I am also feeling that you are tired of caring for me too.

I am sorry.