Sunday, January 30, 2011

And we are walking...

Atlas took 2 steps today.

My husband and I looked at each other completely dumbfounded and then sat across from each other and sent him back and forth for about 10 minutes. Each time only 1-2 steps and then he would dive into our hands. It became a game for him and he started laughing so hysterically that he gave up on the steps and just started diving into our hands.

Babies are so trusting!

Not on such a huge scale, yesterday Atlas hopped off his potty seat and flipped around to hug on me and when I started patting his precious little bare bottom he peed straight into his potty!!! STANDING!

Even smaller scale (It's been a busy weekend) I just heard Atlas crying in bed and went to check on him and OMG he was sitting up!!! He has NEVER put himself in a sitting position. EVER. I know I know... he can do all these other things, but not sit up on his own?! Well looks like that is over!

I thought he was growing fast months ago, but this past month the kid has been sneaking Miracle Gro when I wasn't looking or something!

Atlas 10 months and 1 week

Thursday, January 27, 2011

And confusion sets in

My TSH levels pre-op was .64 on the scale of hyperthyroid (under .40) to hypothyroid (over 4.0)... 1 week after my thyroid being removed my TSH was 31.76, they told me to start taking my Synthroid (.075) and a week later (this past Wednesday) my THS is 73.86. However my mood and energy are back to normal, I have gained 14 lbs but that might be stress (I have always been able to put on and lose 10 in days) I am finally getting back into running... I am just confused as to my levels and when/how do I get them straightened out... what do they mean!?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Ease of Pumping

One of my pet peeves is moms who wont nurse for a variety of reasons including: "It's just uncomfortable" "It hurts" "It's inconvenient" etc. I want to pop them!

Of course it isn't convenient all the time... However I never have to clean a bottle, prepare it and then carry it everywhere... and make sure I am carrying enough. Some times it hurts... have YOU been engorged? How about bitten? Or have you pumped so long that your nipple is trying to run away? OK so? You're normal. And if you stick with it, you are providing your baby with what nursing moms call "liquid gold" for a reason! It IS gold! The CDC agrees. >shock<

OK enough harping... you know how *I* feel about it (and you are welcomed to leave your findings and opinions in the comment section.)

If you have been following my blog here, and I am certain you have because unless I told you about it, you didnt find it searching, I had cancer. However, don't worry, it was the "no-big-deal, if-you-are-going-to-have-a-cancer cancer, then-this-is-the-one-to-have."

I need to tell you about something that saved my milk supply WHILE being drugged up and out of it...

I have this strapless pump holder. I didnt hand make it, it is not a cut up sports bra. It's a real life, designed for this, kind of contraption. The PumpEase. And like it's name, it adds ease to pumping. I use mine 4-6 times a day.... on top of nursing.

So when I was told that I would be away from my baby for 48 hours... AND I needed to dump for 24 hours due to the anesthesia, I was fearful of engorgement and MORE fearful of losing my supply. Of course with the anesthesia my supply DID drop (it is back up.. it was just the drugs) but I was also kinda drugged for a while there and when I strapped on the PumpEase I could pump and rest and let it go and I must admit, a few times I dosed off ::whoops::

I was in the hospital for 48 hours. I dumped almost 50 ounces and saved over 37. while that seems like a lot, it's not for me... kinda depressing to tell you the truth. I was pumping almost 40 ounces a day for donation to Get PUMPed before I learned that I had to have my thyroid removed [and then I pumped for saving - almost 2500 ounces before the surgery] AND Atlas didn't take a bottle... so if you do the math I was excreting 70-80 ounces a day. So WHILE IN the hospital my supply was halved. Regardless, after the anesthesia wore off and I was back on fenugreek, my supply has returned, but my baby is also eating solids now, so I am sure my supply is less these days.

When I got my own room after the surgery I asked for help putting on the PumpEase, but I never took it off... kinda made me feel I was wearing my clothes and not just a robe, or 2. I also put my underwear on. TIP: If you MUST stay in the hospital, carry clean underwear and a bra. It makes a huge difference.. you can pretend you are walking the halls in a ball gown holding onto your staff... rather than your hospital gown and IV stand.

Had I not had my PumpEase, I would not have been physically able to pump. There was at least 2 times that I fell asleep with it on and my Medela doing it's thing.

I just checked the website and the PumpEase  is $38, plus S&H.... but, if you are like me and use it a minimum of 4 times a day... in a month (30 days).. FOR ONLY one month, makes it less than $.32 a use. However... who only pumps for a month?!!? My dang Medela cost $313. However, the first 5 people to email me at - beadandelion at gmail dot com - will get an amazing diiscount. Nope, wasn't meaning for this to be an advertisement, I just REALLY believe in this product and think once you give it a try you will recommend it to others.

Which Medela is an AMAZING company! My pump DIED when we reached my in-laws house the day before Thanksgiving. They overnighted me a brand new one. Their customer service is top notch!

One last thing, the PumpEase is one of those mom-created items that "made it big".... Wendy Bell is super friendly and not just the dreamer/creator/CEO, she is a concerned mom. She wants you to pump/nurse as long as possible and if you have any suggestions to make her product EVEN BETTER [good luck] she'd love to hear it. Again. something you could comment me on!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Started hormones today

I have been having night sweats for the past several nights. I didnt think much of it until a best-friend told me she was going through menopause and hadn't thought about the night sweats being a clue until her doctor mentioned it. Being on the pill it only happens while she is on the sugar pill. The doctor says it is the drop in hormones. I have been sitting on pins and needles knowing that my hormones were going to be "half-lifing" soon... when my gf told me about her night sweats I suddenly realized that the past few nights I had been waking up drenched also due to having apparently NO hormones in my entire body.

The radiation oncologist called me yesterday. My TSH (Thyroid hormone) was 31... above the 30 was expected. My Thyroidgloben (tuber [?] mark) was 26 which was a tiny bit high showing that the hormone was dropping a little faster than expected. 23 days is the average half life.

If they were going to do radiation on me then they would want to do it before starting me on hormones. The "escapee" thyroid cells (healthy or not, doesnt matter) float around the body and I would need to be on a low-iodine diet so that when they gave me RadioAcitve Iodine those cells would be craving the iodine and would suck up the RAI and then die. However since my cancer was encapsulated like a grain of sand in a clam, I am at almost no risk. Since I am nursing he said he would second guess himself even if he recommended it and knew I would stop nursing. The cancer didnt spread, nothing escaped even with the fine needle biopsy which took 4 needles not the normal 3.

So I started taking Sythroid today. I am not sure if I am having reactions or not, but I have felt and acted differently.

I am vain. I can't deny it. I am obsessed with my size and energy level. I LOVE being skinny and in shape, my skin is not clear and that bothers me, I freak out when I gain 10 lbs, even if no one notices. I am human and media has corrupted me but I accept the fact that I ALLOWED and ACCEPT that.. thus screwing myself.

When I left the hospital after 2 night in the hospital on an almost totally liquid diet, I got home and weighed 114. Approximately 3 lbs lighter than my normal. I had spent the 4 days before the surgery doubling up on my daily jog. Where I would have jogged 4 miles,  I was doing the 4 miles twice a day. I wanted to build up muscle to aid in the healing. It DID help! I honor muscle, it heals! I weighed myself today after about 3 days of not weighing and was up to 128. I GET that that doesn't make me fat. Dont start. I am 5'8" or at least really close to it. We already covered my vanity. That is 14 lb increase in about as many days.

ALSO I started my Synthroid today which has made me feel like my blood-sugar was super duper low 2-3 times during the day. I am not sure if that is a side effect or if that means the pill is working and my body is actually craving calories.

Regardless I am excited about jogging again, starting Wednesday. That puts me just past 2.5 weeks that the dr gave me the go-ahead.

On a slightly different note, I had debilitating cramps today that didnt feel like gas. So hopefully this is my regular 7 lb period weight increase. I would LOVELOVELOVE to have my period back...

BUT... I have been advised not to get PG in the next 6 months... so much for tapping that maxed out insurance. They want to do the low level radiation for a "thyroid scan" in 6 months. I dont think I can go back to nursing my baby after radiation is pumped into me, no matter how little.... They say I can pump/dump... ehhh. that scares me.

I am trying to focus on getting my levels right... WITHOUT my help... so that when I do get back into my routine I am boosting it, rather then fighting FOR my levels and hoping the doctors get it right.

The whole thing sucks.

... And now back to Me

I have avoided the scale for the past few days. I started my Synthroid today... I also weighed - FOURTEEN pounds heavier than the day I came home from the hospital! Granted I was weighing about 3 lbs less than normal then... but 14?! Really?

Maybe I will be that one who gains 50 lbs in the first 6 months. I am disgusted with my body. I want my thyroid back. I am really just sickened.

Link I Like

Back to being a mommy for a moment - I liked this post on Peaceful Parenting

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Fine For Now

YAY! Fine... for now. That is not to say I WONT have to have radiation. It is saying that I owe it to God and Atlas that I don't have to jump into radiation right now.

I have the greatest support system ever. This appointment another lady from church went with me and we met Bob there. It is so nice to have someone else to pass Atlas too so that he stays busy and not upset. Also the lady that went with me had REAL cancer last year and spent like 13 weeks in Boston having radiation after her stint here with chemo. I feel really petty worrying about this "if-you-have-to-have-cancer-choose-this-one" cancer.

Here is what I gathered:

The radiologist basically says I am at almost NO risk at this point... The cancer was completely encapsulated and nothing escaped during the 5 pricks from the fine needle biopsy. SO, since I am nursing my baby, right now is not a good time to bother taking extra precaution to do something I might not need.

Yay for being vocal and insistent that I NEED to nurse my baby first and foremost. Not to say that I would not take the best care of myself first. I want to be HERE for my baby so obviously I would suck it up and do what I need to do to keep myself healthy and alive. However, my own research lead me to ask allllllllllllllll of the questions I needed to.

WHEN I stop nursing I need to have an iodine scan. This is where they take a very low level of Radioacitive Iodine and then do a full body scan to see where the thyroid cells have escaped to. If it turns out that my body is full of them then the best precaution is to take the RAI and go "away" for about 8 days. Mom says I can come stay with her and we can do the daily cleaning rituals together, she even has my own bedroom/bathroom set up.

With the low-level RAI I can pump/dump for several days to a few weeks. I am not sure if I am comfortable with nursing when I am at a "Safe level" of RAI. They can do all the tests and stuff to see if I have a "safe" level in me before I go back to nursing... but I am not sure that is good enough for me.

I had planned on doing a HUGE donation to Get PUMPed once the radiologist said I didn't need the radiation... but being that I dont know when I plan to stop nursing... I'm not sure I can give an ounce up yet. So I am holding onto it. I currently have 500, 600, and 300 ounces at neighbors homes and another 1400 in my deep freezer and 130 in my fridge-freezer... but that is not enough in the long run. I might reconsider when I hit 6000 ounces, but I dont want any regrets when doing such a good deed.

When I mentioned that my "plan" to stop nursing was either when my kid hit 3 to start weening or when I got pregnant again and dried up or just whenever he was interested in weening himself. Apparently that is not good enough. The doctor mentioned something like "14 months old or so."

Until they tell me not to, I will have to have weekly blood tests to see where my hormone levels are at. If I have a high TSH (thyroid hormone level) then it means that I need to up my medication (when they have me start it) High TSH means that the hormone is almost non existent.. or at least decreasing too much. As long as it remains low.. then my body is still holding on to some of it. Some people can go 8 weeks before hitting their half life... others only about 2 weeks.

I'm wondering if I am one of those with the shorter life span of hormone... I was expecting the 23 day half life... but I am just dead to the world these past few days and wondering if has already fallen off the charts. Then again, the baby just got teeth 6 & 7 within 2 days and I havent slept a full 2.5 hours in a row in days.

Just in typing this he has woken twice. I'll finish this when my head is clearer

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Thank you. OK now stop.

I have a week left of visitors. I hope they aren't expecting to "do" anything. I feel like I hired-a-friend. I get to start picking up Atlas tomorrow! I also intend on going back to cleaning and blogging and being a wife and mom.

I am exhausted with being "needy" and I am ready to get back up.

I have a hard time accepting help anyhow, I am also not the kind of girl who can sit on her hands and be spoon-fed. I need movement. I am like a service dog. I need a job. I need a reason and a purpose. I have one. It has been waiting on me. I have just been on hold for life for the past few weeks, which seems more like years.

I dont understand how some people can expect to be babied, spoiled or given handouts. Dont they get bored? Or just jaded? Whatever it is, it is NOT for me.

I will say this: I am humbled and I am accepting humility. I know that I am only one human and I am far from super no matter how hard I try to look indestructible. I cry. Not like THAT is some sort of new revelation... but I have bawled like a 4-year-old many times in the past 2 months. I am not ashamed to admit it. I am proud to say that I have a husband who is a true man who can put up with pretty much anything. I know. I also have amazing women in my life. My MIL has had her fair share (and then 6 other peoples share) of medical issues over the past few years and she pushed through and never mentioned any pain she felt in her back... even after she ran out of her pain medication. My own mom has done anything and everything we have needed and absolutely loved every minute of it.

I am grateful for the help, but I am SO ready for everyone to go back to their lives and things to just go back to normal. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I'm tired...

... of the attention.

So is everyone else. I didn't ASK for it, people. I wanted to keep it [my thyroid] and just go on with life the way it was but you all told me I HAD to get it out. Granted it has done no harm having it removed [so far... ask me in 14 days when the thyroid half life breaks down.] But apparently even waiting to have the surgery was too much to ask. None of you wanted to be inconvenienced and you all said it was "in my best sake."

Well it sure as hell wasn't my choice to not be able allowed to pick up anything. It wasn't my choice to not be able allowed to drive. My choice was to NOT take the pain meds. I caved in and said "fine, one mother here this week, one next. They don't have to overlap." I REALIZE I am disrupting everyone else's lives. I am sorry! But I asked that it didn't from the start.

I had a "moment" last night... and another tonight.

Last night I snapped at both my husband and mom. I felt attacked. Asking for whatever I would have just gotten up to get had I not had a 22 lb baby in my lap. Eyes rolling and words exchanged. It was all stupid.

Tonight I thought a nice movie that my hubby would have NO interest in would be fun for my own mother and me. Eat Pray Love. Between her dozing and me back to my coupon blog [for the first day in 8 days!] the movie was pretty good... by the end of it I wanted to pass on the info on what time church was. My mother was quick to say, "nah I dont want to go."


Prayer is the only thing that has kept me going for the past month. I have only missed last weekend and that was because I was in a hospital bed. I was a little in shock. Shouldn't your parent WANT you to be dedicated to going? Beyond my own desire to go, I want to see all these Faithful people who have been sending me cards and praying. Not like it is a HUGE deal. On a good day there are 35 people at my quaint church, but it is MY church and the next best thing to family.

I don't mean to bitch, but I CANT DRIVE. I am at the mercy of those around and while I haven't been cooped up a single day, That ends as of Monday when mom goes home. Atlas and I got up at 6:30 this morning. Bob brought him to bed last night since he had no desire to get in the crib. At 6:30 he was biting me and I rolled over to see the time and knew that was it, the kid was ready to party. I got up and rolled him off the bed and [holding his hands] we walked out to the living room to play. My mother woke up an hour later, but went back to bed a little bit later. She has not been feeling well.

She asked me if I could drive to church tomorrow, then said she figured me and the hubby would be going and she could watch the baby... the hubby works at 3am. ...

It's kinda like this - Beyond all the care anyone has given me and the visits everyone has paid and the food all of my dear friends have brought over... every last person who cared has prayed. And I know for a fact that those in my church have faithfully prayed for me. I know because I can feel it. I know because I do it too. Our church is tiny and precious to me and I ACTUALLY pray for the people on our prayer list by name and specifics. I know my fellow church members do the same. PRAYER alone has gotten me through this past month.

Had I not had that appointment... today would have been a seriously different day. Years from now there would have been a seriously different surgery. God has been Good. I need to be there tomorrow.

She said we will go. I just explained the importance of being there. I need to be there as much as I need the break from being in this house.

I am lucky to get 1 hour out of the house via car and 3 walks around the block, right now. SOON life will be back to normal. Right now it isn't and I would really like to keep part of it consistent.

I am tired of being cared for... it is CLEAR that they are tired of caring. I didn't ask for this and I am grateful for the moments I get. I CAN'T STAND depending on others. I am not the dependent type. It kills me. It humbles me. But I am also feeling that you are tired of caring for me too.

I am sorry.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

So what do/did I have?

Papillary carcinoma
*Occurs MOST often in women in their 30's

*Only 20% of nodules must be removed after biopsy
*Only about 20% of those turn out to be any type of cancer
*Of those that turn out to be cancer, 78% are papillary

Over 90% of thyroid cancers are non-fatal, likely due to the fact that they are caught early enough, usually due to an over or under active thyroid.

Normal Thyroid hormone runs from Hyperthyroid >.40 to Hypothyroid < 4.50

My hormone level was .64 meaning that I am closer to hyper, which completely makes sense due to my size and energy level.

Most people realize there is a problem during treatment for Hypo or Hyper.

I found my nodule a few years ago just by feeling it. It was a huge knot. I even took video just before it was removed. You could see it move up and down every time I swallowed. My doctor always said that since it was symmetrical and smooth, it was nothing to worry about.

Since my thyroid actually functioned flawlessly (thus the ridiculously abundant milk production) they have MY level of "normal" hormone production. HOPEFULLY once I get on hormone replacements it wont take very long to get my body thinking that I have a thyroid.

A lot of people who have the total removal have ridiculous depression and weight gain. That is because they hormone levels are not their normal levels. Hopefully I wont have to wait long to be adjusted and can avoid those issues.

Also, I finally understood this today. I can not go on the hormones NOW because if I end up needing the radiation (Radioactive Iodine) then those thyroid cells that attract the iodine need to be CRAVING it. I need to watch my diet and keep my iodine and sodium to a reasonable minimum and if I need the RAI then I go strict on myself. When they give the RAI pill, those iodine craving cells suck up the RAI and then die. The hormone replacement will trick my body into using the iodine for whatever it is that it does.

My next appointment is Wednesdayat 7:15am with the radiology doctor. Several people I have talked to seem to think they will still recommend the radiation as a precaution so that the cancer doesnt grow back. I am really praying that my case is different.

I know that is MUCH more than anyone asked for. This whole process has been a lesson in anatomy to me. And while I am grateful there are people out there that will do it, there just ISN'T enough money in the world for me to be one of those people who can slice open someone's neck and remove a major organ. bleh!


Got a call today - my Calcium levels are now a little high... better than low! This means my bruised parathyroids (there are four of those suckers) are returning to normal function and I can go off of one of my prescriptions and reduce another of them over the next 6 weeks to eventually not be taking them!

Go parathyroid!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

No escapees is GREAT news!

A girlfriend and her baby boy came over today to help out with the changing-of-the-moms (sheets, laundry, linens, baby while MIL packed) She stayed while my husband and I went to our follow-up appointment. This was the one where we learn what the final results of the pathology were. The FINAL dissection of the thyroid.

The cancer was completely encapsulated!


The left side with the nodule was the only thing that (I guess) NEEDED to be removed, but that is NOT THE POINT. The point is that there was no spreading! That could mean that I might not need the RAI (the radiation.)

I am totally jumping the gun, but I feel more optimistic than ever!

I do have to visit the radiologist within a week. My surgeon called his office and said, "She is reluctant to have RAI due to nursing, but I want you to take a look and lets see what the next step is." So while this is a "second opinion" my doctor didnt ever say that I still needed radiation, he said, lets see what the expert says.

Then we came home, my husband took my MIL to the airport, my girlfriend and her kids stuck around and then when the hubby got home, my mom showed up and the girlfriend went home. It was a busy day. It was a Blessed day!
No RAI means no isolation, no time away from hubby and baby, I can still nurse, I have a TON to donate and my life can be lifted from it's "hold" and return to quasi-normal.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


I find out at noon if I have to have radiation and when I can pick up my baby, but for now, I am struggling to rebuild my milk supply and fearing they will tell me to dry up. I am down to 16 days left of my thyroid hormones before the half life kicks out and I am forced to be on meds. I can't go on meds until after radiation (assuming I need it) the meds apparently make the thyroid cells spread and if they are cancerous (we already know the growth was malignant) then they have to be completely destroyed before I can go on meds. PLUS the baby was nervous and resentful of me being gone 2 days I cant even fathom being gone over a week. They said I could wait until he was 1 before stopping nursing. That was a lie.


First day without tears.

Monday, January 10, 2011


One of my favorite songs. Ever.

If there were one thing I wanted most, it would be certainty. God doesn't paint us a clear road sign and I have said it all week and I'll say it again - THIS PLAN SUCKS! Sure, "it could be worse." Say it again. It doesn't fix things, it doesn't make me whole again. 

I'm mad. Mad because I shouldn't be dealing with anything this ridiculous. Serious, sure. Pointless and disruptive, COMPLETELY. I'm mad because I am tired and I don't know when it will lift. Mad because I am moody... and scared that it will be hard to fix. Mad because I need to cough and can't bring myself to do so productively so I am fighting coughing all day. I am mad because I want to exercise... but even if given the green light, I'd make it to the corner and back.

I am mad because it is taking time away from my family. I find myself scared to play with my baby, he wants to touch my slice, I want to catch him when he falls or lift him up when he is reaching for me, but I can't even pick him up yet because my slice could open up. I am scared that I am putting distance there on purpose without reason.
I gotta take a risk, take a chance...
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
I am mad because I allow it to still consume me... even in absence. Just because it is gone, it still rules my life. I am ON HOLD until I hear that I wont need RAI.And I BETTER hear that I don't need RAI. After surgery I was supposed to let myself get back to my life. I no longer had to eat, drink, sleep, dream and live thyroid cancer. Knowing that is actually WAS cancer makes me continue to live it. To be it. I don't want to be it. I want to go back to my busy mommy/couponer/blogger life. I want to worry about dust and kitty litter and where the binkie has escaped to.

I am ready to return, but my "I" is not. Breakaway.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Going Home

Silly me to plan things.

Best Plan - Bob gets Atlas ready and playing with him so that he isn't upset or overly excited that Bob is back and then I enter through the front door and Atlas is excited to see me and takes his first steps to get to me so fast. All on camera, of course.

Worst Plan - My child doesn't even want to see me

Reality - We set it up for me to come through the front door, but when Atlas saw me he clung to his daddy. It took him a while to come around and smile at me. Then he wanted to play with the ugly bulgy glued up slit on my neck. (They even said they glued it) Within 10 minutes he realized I was the boob and grabbed onto me and nursed and just stared at me.

I hadn't had any pain meds since 10pm the night before (the lactation nurse called back to tell me that the Lortab would be OK regardless, but everyone here gave me the evil eye for even considering it) and the antibiotics are OK if they happen to cross the milk. Don't worry I checked EVERYTHING out. (repeat - evil eye)

I dont know if my calcium has stayed up or not, I know that I got home at 1pm and by 5pm I was back in bed and didn't even blink until after 7:30pm. I assume my BP is in normal range for me... somewhere around 90/60. Again, don't know and I plan on going back to bed here fairly soon.

Bob is putting the baby down. I kinda like this routine they are working on. So far he has laid him down twice, and the baby wants back up now. Bob is good. It has got to be one of the hardest things in the world to jump into someone else's schedules and try to find a way to make it work for you.

Before I went into the hospital Atlas bopped me hard on the nose, I thought he broke it then I was playing with him and he threw his car into my eye and I had a huge purple goosebump pop up above my eyeball.... it is finally going down. The night before THAT I scalded myself while sterilizing bottle parts. It's been a rough weekend.

Making bail or busting out of this joint

I sorta had the option to stay the second night. I was already here (past the 23 hour mark) and I was still feeling lousy and scared and they were still monitoring me quite often. I also had this intense fear of going home and having this wonderful baby rush into my arms and hug him tight, but not be able to do anything with him. I cant lift him and I dont want him pulling on me.

Atlas has been a  trooper. Thank God for my MIL staying with him. I also thank God that my mother stayed with me. There is nothing like your mom taking care of you, even if you are being poked and prodded by a nurse. Atlas is sucking down bottles like he has been starving to death I hear. He is also eating a lot! I am so happy. I have been so worried about him.

I picture coming home and like a puppy dog he runs into my arms.. yes, my baby who is still only cruising RUNS into my arms and squeezes my [very sore] neck. I can't wait to see him. I hope he isn't mad at me.

Also big prayers continuing for Wednesday we find out if they got all of the thyroid tissue. If they did then I may not have to have RAI. If there is any thyroid tissue and cells left over, the way they track them down and kill them is through the RAI. They are also suggesting if I need the RAI, I will need it a whole lot sooner than they originally told me.

The endo had said I could wait 3 months until my baby was 1. They are not saying that now. I wanted to nurse until my baby was 1. ACTUALLY I wanted to nurse until my baby was 3 or weened on his own or I got pg and dried up, but alas, our plans are not our own.

A new step in my life happens today. And here I was happy with the ladder rung I had reached. I will keep you posted. Please keep praying.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Worst Dream ever came tue

My pastor and his wife and my favorite coupls from church Steve and June (June has recently fought a very evil and aggressive cancer.) It is due to being scared over losing her that I chose to get this done. 

They were going to take half and pathology was going to test it. IT came back bad enough that Dr Bibliowics could not take the chance. He removed the whole thing. He believes it is malignant. I forget the wording. He said he could not leave it in there. Not sure how bad it was or where any spreading may have taken place. - Mom is telling me that the nodule was hard. Completely encapsulated, like when an oyster finds a piece of sand and encapsulated it to protect its self. That means that it might not have opened and anything in it would be safely contained. Praise God!

My neck aches to move, my throat is scratchy as hell, I have taken 3 hours to eat an Ensure (btw strawberry is gross I<3strawberries in real life) 2 oz of apple juice, vanilla pudding, 1/2 chicken broth, beef broth, a sierra mist, lots of ice and some water.

I have managed to (just now) pump 4 ounces in the past hour.

Stella called Bob. Atlas was in consolible so he werent home but came back... I sent him home an hour later. Mom is here.

Surgery took about 3 hours, then I was in recovery 2 hours while they found me a room. I asked for a window... that didnt really take so much longer, but I did get to hang up my rainbow maker, I excepted to wake up to rainbows in the morning.

I'm sorry, I am falling asleep again and not sure how much of this makes sense. I will update it later

All details are/will be on beamommydandelion . blogspot . com

Here it comes

Friday January 7th, 2010
12:25pm - 3:00pm
God Speed to me.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


MIL came back to town yesterday. It is nice to have her here. Mom comes in today. I didnt have a moment of freak out yesterday, shockingly enough.

I wrote this to my mommy friends:
I have been uber-optimistic today and I even started thinking about the chances
of this being completely benign, the doctor letting me keep half of it and never
having to have radiation!... if that happens Get PUMPed is going to LOVE me - 1.
I wont have to stop nursing and 2. I wont have to dry up for radiation! and 3!!
I have a LOT of milk right now.

I also informed the hubby that since we will be capping out our insurance...
when this comes back benign, he is knocking me up ASAP so that we can have a
free baby and get the deductible next year which will go to paying for this
ridiculousness. [with all this milk, not sure how fertile I ACTUALLY am though]

So those are my prayers, feel free to join me in praying for them! (and a wee
little itty bitty scar that is easy to cover up with a choker necklace, would be
nice too)

btw - my endocrinologist told me that the people "offering advice" online ALL
had a bad experience (which accounts for like 2% who didnt end up having cancer
and should be so happy).. the other 98% are out living their lives just fine and
not sitting at a computer bitching all day. I promptly deleted myself from the
yahoo "support" groups. I have felt much better ever since.
However then the hubby went to bed and I was scared again. Today I find myself avoiding thinking of the details. I have a keen talent of locking bad things in this manilla envelop in my brain. I have complete control over when to open it. Right now it is staying closed and when I get near it, I push it away.

My pastor and his wife are coming over tonight to pray with us. AND when I called to ask him to come pray with the doctors and me, he said he had planned to and was going to stay in the waiting room the whole time too. for some reason I find a deeper peace within me knowing that my pastor will be sitting there... I know my mom and husband will be too...

Right now if I avoid thinking about it and focus on the fact that I am being smothered in love, then I feel pretty good. I'll take the spoiling. Then I will close my eyes and hold on tight, taking deep breaths.

Surgery starts at 12:25 pm Friday January 7th, 2010. Expected to last 2.5 hours.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Went for the last "second" opinion today. This was actually the 4th doctor I have consulted about this.

Today - no breakdowns.

My husband me tme and the baby at another Ears/Nose/Throat doctor today.

DH was concered with what happens if we take half of the thyroid and the other half appears fine, what about a year down the line, or two years... is it more likely to have cancer? No. I think.He specifically said it was not like breast cancer where if one breast has a malignant tumor you can opt for a double mastectomy to reduce your future risks.

We asked about the risks vs benefits of opting for trying to salvage half.

Well if you take all of it, there is a risk of damaging BOTH sides of the vocal chords.. I think he said "paralyzing" both vocal chords. I am not currently working on air anymore or that would have been a HUGE red flag for me, but I DOOOO so love to sing. The other risk was damage to the parathyroid. IF the parathyroid is damaged then I will need a Calcium and Vitamin D replacement... not a vitamin like a supplement, but a full blown dose each day.

For now I am opting to have only the "bad" half removed. They will take 3 slivers from that peice and send it to the pathology department.. while I am still open and they examine the other side and do a total of 4 stitches waiting for the results. If they get the green light that there is no cancer, he finishes stitching me up and I go on my merry way to healing. If the call is that it is malignant, then he removes those 4 stitches and cuts the rest out. 

If the preliminary pathology comes back clean, but the full pathology 3 days later comes back as a papillary carcinoma, then the cut my neck open 2 weeks later and take the other side. It could be the next day... but due to my Dr's schedule it would have to be 2 weeks later.

If the nodule is as big as we think it is... (and it is big, you can see it when I swallow) then I have Faith that if it is bad news that the size is a clear indicator during the initial pathology and I will only have to have 1 surgery.

However... if no carcinogens are found, no RAI!!! No RAI and I can continue to nurse my baby and plan my family as we had been hoping to do.

It's a stretch, but one I am willing to pray hard for!

After the last few days... I think the only thing keeping me moving forward is the hope of getting to keep PART of MY thyroid. Ya know... there is an 80% chance that it is NOT cancer.

Drugs forever is one thing... but I WANT to keep my freaking thyroid.

I have to stop now. I feel a freak out coming on and I think I should call it a night and just go to bed before I start thinking again too hard.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Painting by Numbers

This was supposed to be my mommy blog. I guess it is now more of a blog on the struggles of my life as a mommy.

::pouting:: I thought the hard part was supposed to be waking up 3 times a night.

I'm sick of breaking down each day. Why doesn't crying and temper tantrums tire out a child like it does me?!

I had it certain that I was going to postpone. I was convinced.

I picked up all of my tests from the ENT dr today. Surprise! They left out, like, 5 pages when they gave me the results the first day... Apparently it still didnt matter. I took the results to my primary DO and she showed me my numbers:

Normal THS (Thyroid hormone) is anywhere from the range of 0.40-4.50 (with the higher number closer to HYPOthyroidism and the lesser being closer to HYPERthyroidism.) Mine was 0.64. Explains my size... Sure I didnt eat enough for too many years and I jog like it is an OCD issue, but apparently I will never get fat if they can get MY levels back to these with drugs... and everone's normal is different. The Endo called me and she says that since that is MY normal we will aim at the hyper side of the drugs. I cant imagine anyone askign to be on the HYPO side. Hypo makes you tired and weak and you gain weight by breathing the wrong direction.

the other level that was noted was my thyroids antibody abilities.... Anything less than 30 is great... mine was less than 10, which is super.

So I got in touch with the doctor too... there are 2 options. ALL or PART with the likelihood of all in the horizon. All is all is all. They CAN take just the left side that contains the freakish nodule and "freeze" the other side, rush a few slivers of the bad side down to pathology to be tested. IF cancer is discovered in one of those 3 samples then, OK alright, while I am still out they take the other side too. If it is NOT cancer, they leave the right side in. The FULL pathology results take about 3 days to return. There is a small possibility that it could still come back positive for cancer. In 22 years, my doctor has had that happen 6 times. If that happens, they go back in within 2 weeks (2 weeks bc the dr is too busy to go back in on that 4th day) and does a second surgery.

I am sure insurance covers it all... sure only 80%, there goes our savings for baby #2. However that would have to wait anyhow because if this IS cancer the RAI will delay any baby making for about a year.

I want to keep half of my thyroid... less drugs, more of my own hormones and metabolism working, etc.

My husband wants me to do the WHOLE thing. But there is only about a 20% chance it is cancer anyhow. Or was it a 20% chance they would have to go back in.. .I forget.

Brain is fried.

Next breakdown scheduled for 11am Tuesday (1/4/11) when I go to yet another doctor for another opinion. Updating tomorrow.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Stop the rollercoaster, I need to throw up

I have seriously been back and forth all day long.

GET the cancer out!
What if it is not?
It's OK, it is a huge risk to keep it!
Others say POSTPONE!
I say, no freaking joke, there is NO going back.

I threw up this morning. Between tears and frustrations eating was a very bad idea. I sent my husband a text message - I'm calling it off. I even cried through church.

I found solace in a blog about an hour ago. She was going through the same thing. she was only 2-3 years older than me. but she didnt have a tiny baby to worry about. the RAI is the worst part I am imagining.

THEN I get an email from a founder of a yahoo group... My FIL said to "join a support group" ... BACKFIRE .... one girl .. no no MANY girls say to postpone!

Brain is fried. more tomorrow.