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MIL came back to town yesterday. It is nice to have her here. Mom comes in today. I didnt have a moment of freak out yesterday, shockingly enough.

I wrote this to my mommy friends:

I have been uber-optimistic today and I even started thinking about the chances
of this being completely benign, the doctor letting me keep half of it and never
having to have radiation!... if that happens Get PUMPed is going to LOVE me - 1.
I wont have to stop nursing and 2. I wont have to dry up for radiation! and 3!!
I have a LOT of milk right now.

I also informed the hubby that since we will be capping out our insurance...
when this comes back benign, he is knocking me up ASAP so that we can have a
free baby and get the deductible next year which will go to paying for this
ridiculousness. [with all this milk, not sure how fertile I ACTUALLY am though]

So those are my prayers, feel free to join me in praying for them! (and a wee
little itty bitty scar that is easy to cover up with a choker necklace, would be
nice too)

btw - my endocrinologist told me that the people "offering advice" online ALL
had a bad experience (which accounts for like 2% who didnt end up having cancer
and should be so happy).. the other 98% are out living their lives just fine and
not sitting at a computer bitching all day. I promptly deleted myself from the
yahoo "support" groups. I have felt much better ever since.

However then the hubby went to bed and I was scared again. Today I find myself avoiding thinking of the details. I have a keen talent of locking bad things in this manilla envelop in my brain. I have complete control over when to open it. Right now it is staying closed and when I get near it, I push it away.

My pastor and his wife are coming over tonight to pray with us. AND when I called to ask him to come pray with the doctors and me, he said he had planned to and was going to stay in the waiting room the whole time too. for some reason I find a deeper peace within me knowing that my pastor will be sitting there... I know my mom and husband will be too...

Right now if I avoid thinking about it and focus on the fact that I am being smothered in love, then I feel pretty good. I'll take the spoiling. Then I will close my eyes and hold on tight, taking deep breaths.

Surgery starts at 12:25 pm Friday January 7th, 2010. Expected to last 2.5 hours.