Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dear Atlas, My Baby (Happy First Birthday)

Dear Atlas,
In less than 11 hours you turn 1 year old! I can't believe it!!! I swear I did not blink. They told me not to. They warned me this would happen. They all said, "He will grow up so quick you wont even believe it!!" I am sad, but I am also proud to see you growing up. Your milestones keep me looking forward to the next day!

I remember how incredibly uncomfortable I was and at times scared!! But they kept reminding me that your head would not be 10 lbs and my body was wonderfully made to do exactly this. I had faith it would go easy. Your Daddy was amazing!!! I think we could have do it without the midwife, your doula was great support early on, but dang she missed your birth by about the same amount of time that your midwife made it to you birth!

This year has been the most demanding, the most sincere, the most exciting and the scariest year of my entire life. I have never been out of work and yet I have not received a payroll check all year. I have babysat a TON and by the end of the day I am generally ready to give the kids back, but you were different and while I wanted to hand you off at times, I never wanted to put you back. There were days I didn't think I would survive due to lack of sleep... but then you would smile and I was glad I had been awake for it.

You have given me the most amazing gift to give. I have had an abundance of your milk and I have been able to donate so much of it to babies in extraordinary circumstances whose mommies could not provide for their babies like I could for you! I have never in my entire life had the opportunity to give of myself without you.

I had fears of giving too much of myself. I thought I was depriving you of a Gift given strictly by God... then my fears became true. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and suddenly had to pump and store like a crazy mommy!! I stopped donating for a very short time (December - January) and a lot of my mommy friends offered storage space so that you would have milk in case I had to stop feeding you, myself.

God answered my prayers and the moment the cancer was removed, my body was free of it and I could go back to feeding you... and all the other babies who needed your milk. You are now 1, and I have donated over 7600 ounces and I have another 1200 ready to donate! You are about 25 lbs and sooooooooooo not lacking a thing.

You were walking around 10 months and have been ECing since before you turned 6 months.I am in shock that we have such a connection. I have heard of this happening, but I would not believe it had I not experienced it! You hear me and you understand what I talk to you about! I also am thrilled that I understand you!!

You are such a happy baby. You have 3 moods: Sleepy, Happy and Mad. Things are either funny or serious with you. You make my days interesting! I love your smile... and I would do ANYTHING for your giggle.

I hope that your second year is as amazing as this first one. You have made me a better person in less time than anyone ever could have. You have changed my entire life more than anyone ever could or ever will. That is kinda a big deal. You are the first of my babies and the one who will direct my path in life. You made me who I am today and you will help me to become the person I want to be tomorrow.

Thank you, my beautiful baby, my son, my life. I'll live you for always, I'll love you forever. As long as you're living, my baby you'll be. You'll never be loved more than your Daddy and I love you.