Sunday, January 22, 2012

Can you hear it? I can hear it... click click click

That is the sound in my head. All 3 of my remaining brain cells randomly running into each other. It doesn't hurt, really... just kinda makes me wonder if an elf has been coloring my roots.

I'm talking baby brain.

I swore by it when I was pregnant with Atlas. Then somewhere in the 18 months of non-pregnancy I completely forgot about it and forgot the helpless feeling of forgetting what day of the week it was ... several times in the same day.

Baby brain is very real.

The only logical explanation these 3 brain cells keep clicking back to me is that I am low on blood. This blood sucking parasite is totally frying my brain!

And what is worse... during those 18 non-pg months I truly believed I must have made it up out of sheer exhaustion! REALLY?! Like I could pretend to be this forgetful!
ooo ooo ooo
Do you have a clue?
You don´t have a clue
All the blood to your brain
Is in vain
All your stupid friends love you for your mind
I´ve seen you, perfectly designed
Don´t make me smile, don´t make me smile
All you thoughts are perfectly unkind
Don´t make me smile
All the stars in the sky
Just crossed your eyes
All the blood to your brain
Is in vain
It's insane
... CLUE by Frente
I can only imagine what my husband is thinking. The other day he left while the baby was asleep in his big boy bed and came home to find me passed out on the couch and the kidlet sitting in front of me watching the news. Come on, I knew he was sitting there at least.
Surging hormone levels and new priorities may explain why pregnancy brain happens.
"There are 15 to 40 times more progesterone and estrogen marinating the brain during pregnancy, and these hormones affect all kinds of neurons in the brain," says Louann Brizendine, MD, director of the Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California, San Francisco. (more)
 Where as I? I forget. But I think it is bc the baby needs the blood more than I do. ...little does it know.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Bed Time Prayer

I saw a beautiful prayer today! Made me wonder if this is how it really was supposed to go and who in the world would have cut it down? I say my prayers every night. I thank God first for his love, for my husbands love and then my child, my future child and my health. Not sure what the "correct" order should be, but it works for me :)

‎~Bedtime Prayer~

Now, I lay me down to rest
I thank the Lord; my life is blessed
I have my family and my home
And freedom, should I choose to roam.

My days are filled with skies of blue
My nights are filled with sweet dreams, too
I’ve no reason to beg or plead
I have been given all I need.

Beneath the subtle moonlit glow
I thank the Lord, so He will know
How grateful I am for my life
In times of glory and of strife.

The times of glory give me hope
The times of strife teach me to cope
Thus, I am much stronger in turn
Yet grounded, still, with much to learn.

Now, I lay me down to rest
I thank the Lord; I’ve passed the test
Of yet another day on earth
Grateful for its abundant worth.

This day has been a special dream
From morning ‘til the last moonbeam
Yet, should the coming dawn bring sorrow
I’ll rise, thankful I’ve reached tomorrow.

-Jill Eisnaugle

Saturday, January 7, 2012

1 year ago today I became cancer free... maybe

1 year ago today I had cancer surgery.
Child birth was less scary.

At the time they didnt even *know for sure* if it was cancer but decided to remove a major organ from my neck to check and see.

They took out part of my thyroid, the right side, sent it to the pathologist while I lay on the table unconscious. When the results came back that the cells were still abnormal, they took out the left side and only then closed me up and sewed me back together.

They told me I would only need to spend 1 night in the hospital, but after that first day I was still so groggy and scared to move that I requested 1 more day to heal and regain my strength. There was no way that I could go home and not hold my child and be told to rest instead of play. There was no way I would have the strength to play. I stayed. Later that day Gabriel Giffords was shot outside of a grocery store, a little girl and several others died.

It took 8 months for my medications to get straightened out and my thyroid hormone levels to get to an acceptable level to be given a "green" light to get pregnant again. The next day I stopped pumping in hopes of getting my cycle back. To date I have donated 12,442 ounces of milk to Get PUMPed. I have 600 more ounces in the freezer out of fear that I could dry up and still want to give Atlas my milk. One day short of 4 weeks later, my cycle returned and 3 weeks later I was pregnant.

At our baby's first ultrasound I also had my 1 year thyroid ultrasound. I had had the previous ultrasound 5 month prior and there was no thyroid and no parathyroid damage. This time however they discovered that my thyroid was growing back. There was a nodule the same size as the encapsulated cancer nodule. If I were not pregnant now, I fear they would tell me to wait.

As soon as this baby is born (Due July 4th) I am having another biopsy and then they will decide from there if I will need more intense procedures.

My endocrinologist wants me to have the iodine scan. They give you a small dose of radioactive iodine to see where the thyroid cells have floated off to throughout the body. This radiation is specific to the thyroid as your thyroid is the only organ that will attract the iodine that the radiation is connected to. That also means that nursing might be out of the question.

That is a big deal to me.

There is no test to prove that it has all made its way out of my body. Not if I have the low dose "scan" or the mega dose "2 week isolation"... the radiation is not a light, it is a pill and it can seep out with bodily fluids including things as simple as sweat. Not hot and muggy jogging sweat, but even sticky finger or hot neck kind of mild sweat. If that radiation come in contact with another being, then what organ in their body can attract the radiation? Their thyroid. Then what can they end up with? Thyroid cancer. Yes, nursing will be done.

The whole thing scares the hell out of me. For one, my "cancer" is gone and not coming back. it was fully encapsulated and removed. Nothing spread. Radiation destroys your bones. I don't even want to risk my health further by doing something I don't need.

The whole situation sucks. And I am scared.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

More things my doctor didn't tell me...

Your thyroid can grow back. Awesome. Not.

Last January 7th I had my entire stinking Thyroid completely removed because there was this hard bead of cancer in it. The cancer did not spread. It was completely encapsulated. My doctor had not been concerned with it as it hadnt grown in the past 3 years... it was smooth and symmetrical and did resemble anything that seemed like cancer.

Well, my son was about 7 or 8 months old and I got excited about the thought of having another baby in the next year so I went back and got it checked out again... I told her I wasn't comfortable with it and I wanted it REALLY checked out, not just us feeling it. I had an ultrasound and a biopsy and everything said that the cells looked concerning but they couldnt tell if it was cancerous. It had to be removed.

I was a WRECK. PMS, pregnancy, adolescence... nothing had every taken a toll on me like the stress and fear of this surgery that would forever change my life... "Just in case" it was cancer. I got 4 follow up doctors to look at my charts. I was ready for more biopsies so that they werent re-reading the same stupid chart and quoting off the same thing the last doctor had said. I had infact cancelled the surgery 3 days before they were going to do it. I had found peace knowing that it wasnt cancer and we were all being over eager to "explore."

Obvioulsy that didnt last. My husband was at wits end with me and told me it was not an option and that he and my baby needed me and this was just part of what needed to be done. I closed my eyes, held my breath, prayed an awful lot and jumped. I seriously just thought if I breathed deep and closed my eyes I would never even notice.

I spent an extra night in the hospital (away from my 9 month old) because I was not ready physically to return to my responsibilities and I knew I would want to jump right in if I walked in that door.

The week before Christmas 2011... I saw my endo and she once again brings up radiation. My 6 month ultrsound didnt show ANY regrowth, but since I got pregnant, I have been off my Citomel (a higher T3) for about 10 weeks and in that time a nodule (5mm) had grown. The marble like bump that was removed before was also 5mm.

So I am scared that it is growing back, not the cancer, I am certain with all my heart that that will never come back, but they have to stop my thyroid from growing back bc it doesnt function and wont grow back right if it does... I dont want them to reopen my neck to take it out again. They did a good job not injuring my parathyroid, I dont want to risk them ruining them too.

The endocrinologist wants me to have another biopsy in July after my baby is born. She also wants me to have radiation to make sure to kill off any loose and floating around thyroid cells... any strays can cause the cancer to regrow elsewhere in my body. (Except mine was encapsulated and is NOT growing back - sigh) If I have radiation, I will have to be away from my family, including the newborn for 2-3 WEEKS, and breast feeding will be out of the question.... as will likely future children.

I told my endo I would revisit the RAI (radiation) talks after my birthing years were done. I have always wanted 3 kids.

So that is where I am at now. Scared again. Not wanting to really open up and talk about it too much. Kinda in denial.

I have this really amazing life that I dont deserve, but I cherish and it just seems like a cruel joke to have stupid crap like this interfere. That is what it is CRAP!

So.. did YOU know your thyroid can grow back? Apparently its kinda like your liver. Weird.