Things I can feel.

What a day.

Totally not the point, just one of those EXTRA challenges I like to have - I have had a spot on the top of my nose just burst out blood 3 times in the last month. You'd have thought I had a vein running along the top of it and I had slashed it and it was pumping with each heart beat.. and you could see the blood running out of it with the same forceful pump.

So I was loading up to go to the breast surgeon today to have my referral checkup for some lumps under my arm. 10 minutes before leaving I am brushing my teeth and this spot on TOP of my nose opens up and I cant get it to stop bleeding to save my life. My only solution is to ask my husband to ride with me to pick up one of those "stop blood" sticks from the drug store that stops him from bleeding when he cuts himself shaving. However I am almost late and half way on our ride it stops bleeding. The baby starts getting fussy the husband starts getting annoyed that he COULD have stayed home as planned. I wanted him to turn around but we were half way there.

And yes, the baby was CRAZY and active and walking everywhere the entire 30 minutes in the waiting room .. even with the bag full of toys.

In the exam room. Oh I could go into detail... I wont. I was uncomfortable. Mostly because my husband was witnessing someone else touching my breasts. Eventually he took the crazy offspring out of the room to walk around where ever else.

The lumps are under my right arm pit.. so she starts with my LEFT where she finds a small lump. She goes to my right and finds 2 of the 3 lumps. She says that stress can cause the lymph nodes to swell.. or allergies to cats and dogs. The dog is already on my sh!t list. The doctor came in and did the same ultrasound and found the same lumps but in a fraction of the time. One was 9mm the other was 7.7mm.

Facts - The MRI will tell if it IS cancer or not. Better in fact than a biopsy (makes no sense to me either.) Plus you have to have a mammogram before a biopsy... not clear why. Kinda seems like a waste of time to trouble shoot. Do the damn test and let me be of sound mind. Pain and discomfort don't even bother me anymore. Poke, prick, prod. I'm game. I want to get everything good and clear yesterday so I can get pregnant again without worry of something coming up that needs immediate care.

Fact - it takes 3-4 months to "dry up" and I need to be dried up before having an MRI... I SHOULD be before having a routine Mammogram, but since I had ThyCa, routine does not apply. They assume that even though I am very low risk of cancer that I am still AT RISK. I dont mind them taking extra precaution.

Annoyance - Her explanation.

OK I get that the whole imaging can be clearer if there is not milk in my ducts. However I pumped today prior to the scan and the tech could not even tell where my ducts were! Yes, I AM a pro at pumping. However she had the audacity to say...

Her -Your son is over 1 and for social reasons it would be best anyhow to wrap up the nursing.
Me - He was 9 months when he started solids (gut closure reasons to avoid food allergies unlike cousins. It worked and we have not had any issues) he has been on solids 4 months and 1 day.
Her - ::utter shock::
Me - I also want to continue to give him breast milk as the benefits are monumental
Her - I am a breast surgeon, you dont have to tell me the benefits of it
Her - However.... When he starts pre school you dont want him talking about it...
Me - He is 1
Her - some people start around 2
Me - I am a stay at home mom... he wont be starting for years
Her - But the other children will be talking and wondering and you dont want to explain or have him explain.
Me - all of my mommy groups are STILL nursing... some well into toddlerhood... like WELL into it. Not that I plan to, but I want it to be a self weening or my body drying up on it's own.

I didnt bother arguing.
I want her to think I am on the same page because ultimately I want to get this crap taken care of and also its not really any of her damn business when or why.

I understand that IF I have to have an MRI... and that is only after a biopsy comes back with atypical cells (highly unlikely... but I said that before and was WAY wrong) IF I need the MRI then I will lighten up and make sure I am stockpiled in Mommy-Breast-Milk. (BTW - I just donated all of my milk to hit the 10K mark... I have donated 10,122oz to getpumpedonline.org now)... but I am not ready to stop. Nor is my baby! I have gone longer periods of the day without nursing but there isa huge difference in his mood and sleep and hunger level. He JUST turned 13 months. I dont think it unreasonable to continue to nurse him. If I HAVE to stop, then I will, but the doctor's reasons were ridiculous!

I kept thinking "Email Le Leche League!!! Email Connected Mothering!" They would all understand and they would tell me to find a new doctor. No energy for that.

I went to pay the bill an hour and 45 minutes later and texted my hubby to let him know I was done. The baby wanted me to hold him so I did and suddenly that spot on my nose opened back up and began POURING again. FML.

I guess I will be heading to a dermatologist too. 

My girlfriend tonight brought to my attention that sometimes when she feels drained and exhausted she forces herself to think about those unable to feel. Those either dead to feeling... or simply dead. And what would they give to feel again? Even if it meant feeling the crappy way we sometimes feel. How fortunate we are to have worked all the way to that feeling. How fortunate we are to feel such extreme emotion. She is the eternal optimist no doubt. But I felt very 'lucky' after talking to her. My fatigue and need to collapse into tears (if I had the time to) are a very real emotion that I am grateful to have the capacity to feel. And I wont forget what it feels like either. It's intense, but I will get over it and life will go on.

A mother's prayer.... LOL

Tina Fey Hard At Work

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.
“My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.” 

-Tina Fey
(That my friends, is what you call good writing. Pick up Tina Fey’s book Bossypants for more.)

You MUST be kidding me

This from a local ped. un.be.lieve.able.
HERE

Breast milk contains dry cleaning materials. Right.

My Publix Trip - Saved 84%

Out in the rain I went with my baby.... it wasn't a bad trip afterall! *I did forget to get him a balloon.. whoops*

What do you think I spent!? My husband and I play this game each week.

2 Publix Pretzels - 2.79 each

4 Kraft Cheese - 3.39
-$1.50/2 Kraft Block or Shredded 7- or 8-oz. Cheese Target Web Coupon x4/9
-$1/1 Kraft Shredded Cheese with a Touch of Philadelphia

4 CoffeeMate Creamers - 2.50
4 FREE coupons

2 Quaker Oatmeal - 2.13
-$1/2 printable (No Longer Available -NLA)
*Should have done this deal over the weekend when all Quaker products were 50% off

14 Earth's Best baby food - BOGO .91
2 - $1/7 Earth’s Best Organic Baby Food printable

Centrum vitamins - 8.99
25% off = 6.74
*There WERE printable coupons... ugh oh well. I COULD take the coupon back and get my $, but the $1 I'd save isnt worth the gas or the hassle of carting a baby in and out of the car

2 Log Cabin Syrups - BOGO 3.89
*no coupons!

14 Friskies treats - BOGO 1.75
14 -$1 off Purina Dog or Cat Treat, 2.1-32 oz printable
14 -$1 off Friskies cat treats, SS 1/23
OVERAGE - $15.75

3 Muir Glen Tomato Paste - 1.09
3 - $1 Whole Food Coupons - wholefoods.com
3 - $1 Publix Italian Days coupons - expired, but they approved it at customer service for me before shopping
OVERAGE - $2.73

4 Schick Intuition - BOGO 8.99
4 -$3 off Schick Intuition printable

Pears - 2.09
Bananas - 1.49 *Did you know they contain radiation? AWESOME!
2 lettuce - 1.29each
Mushrooms - 2.49
Yellow Onions - 1.29 *Yes I get a bag of onions every week... I like onions!
Tilapia - on sale $5.75
Killians - 10.99
Hobo beer - 7.69

2 things of Yellow Squash - 1.29lb total - 1.49&1.64
*I picked up a third that said 1.99lb... Publix policy is that if it is incorrectly labeled then you get it for free. I expected to get the 1.99 one for free, but the kid went back and said one shelf had them for 1.99 and the other had then for 1.29 which makes NO SENSE to me what-so-ever!!! Anyhow, I got the 2 cheaper ones.

Used -
3 - $5/$30 Winn Dixie printables
2 - $5/$50 Publix BoyScout Fundraiser coupons

Store coupons - 45.00

Vendor coupons - 42.00

Special Price Savings (bogos and sales) 44.30

TOTAL SAVINGS - 131.30

TOTAL OOP - 31.18

Dear Atlas, My Baby (Happy First Birthday)

Dear Atlas,
In less than 11 hours you turn 1 year old! I can't believe it!!! I swear I did not blink. They told me not to. They warned me this would happen. They all said, "He will grow up so quick you wont even believe it!!" I am sad, but I am also proud to see you growing up. Your milestones keep me looking forward to the next day!

I remember how incredibly uncomfortable I was and at times scared!! But they kept reminding me that your head would not be 10 lbs and my body was wonderfully made to do exactly this. I had faith it would go easy. Your Daddy was amazing!!! I think we could have do it without the midwife, your doula was great support early on, but dang she missed your birth by about the same amount of time that your midwife made it to you birth!

This year has been the most demanding, the most sincere, the most exciting and the scariest year of my entire life. I have never been out of work and yet I have not received a payroll check all year. I have babysat a TON and by the end of the day I am generally ready to give the kids back, but you were different and while I wanted to hand you off at times, I never wanted to put you back. There were days I didn't think I would survive due to lack of sleep... but then you would smile and I was glad I had been awake for it.


You have given me the most amazing gift to give. I have had an abundance of your milk and I have been able to donate so much of it to babies in extraordinary circumstances whose mommies could not provide for their babies like I could for you! I have never in my entire life had the opportunity to give of myself without you.


I had fears of giving too much of myself. I thought I was depriving you of a Gift given strictly by God... then my fears became true. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and suddenly had to pump and store like a crazy mommy!! I stopped donating for a very short time (December - January) and a lot of my mommy friends offered storage space so that you would have milk in case I had to stop feeding you, myself.


God answered my prayers and the moment the cancer was removed, my body was free of it and I could go back to feeding you... and all the other babies who needed your milk. You are now 1, and I have donated over 7600 ounces and I have another 1200 ready to donate! You are about 25 lbs and sooooooooooo not lacking a thing.

You were walking around 10 months and have been ECing since before you turned 6 months.I am in shock that we have such a connection. I have heard of this happening, but I would not believe it had I not experienced it! You hear me and you understand what I talk to you about! I also am thrilled that I understand you!!

You are such a happy baby. You have 3 moods: Sleepy, Happy and Mad. Things are either funny or serious with you. You make my days interesting! I love your smile... and I would do ANYTHING for your giggle.


I hope that your second year is as amazing as this first one. You have made me a better person in less time than anyone ever could have. You have changed my entire life more than anyone ever could or ever will. That is kinda a big deal. You are the first of my babies and the one who will direct my path in life. You made me who I am today and you will help me to become the person I want to be tomorrow.

Thank you, my beautiful baby, my son, my life. I'll live you for always, I'll love you forever. As long as you're living, my baby you'll be. You'll never be loved more than your Daddy and I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Homemade Baby Wipes

This is one of those things I probably wouldn't do. Mostly because I STOCKPILED wipes long before Atlas was born and have yet to need to buy more. I think we have made it through 1/5th of the wipes I bought... maybe? He turns 1 on Friday ::gasp::

Homemade Baby Wipes
1 roll of Bounty (or another thick, quality brand) paper towels (You can also use those really cheap and thin washrags ... the ones you can get in a pack of 12 for $3 at Walmart or Target... then reuse them and save the money you would be spending on paper towels... which ARE NOT CHEAP!)
2-1/4 cups of water
2 Tbsp. baby bath or shampoo
1 Tbsp. baby oil

Directions:
1. Cut the roll of towels in half (an electric knife works well) and place in a container. You can also separate the towels into a neat pile that will be ready to use.
2. Mix all liquid ingredients together and pour over top of the towels.
3. Let the liquid absorb into the towels. When ready to use, remove the
cardboard center (if you left it in) and pull the towels from the middle.

Thanks MamaCheaps and Chasing Tiny Feet!

Connecting in the Mainstream

I had a light bulb moment today at a 1-year-old mainstreamed child's birthday.

I am FAR from AP. I learn from you all and I take in what seems to be a good idea, I soak up the tips and try them all. I respect you guys who are all crunchy and thriving in APing (attachment parenting, google it.) There are some things that work for us and some that don't. I listen and then move on.

But today I realized how much more AP I am than I thought I was. I have had a few moments like this, but it wasn't until today that I really *got it.*

Not all SAHMs are AP, but most AP moms are SAHM not to say they aren't working outside of the home at times or are anti-daycare. Not that that was the bright light... more on the way parents acted and *PLAYED* with their kids.

I suppose the parents want to mingle and do other things, after all it IS a 1-year-old's birthday party. :-\

Today I understood the communicating with your child. It isn't just ECing or wearing or not letting them CIO.

This was further evident after reading an article a friend posted on facebook.
http://spiritmag.com/features/article/baby_gaga/

I would be the last person to ever feel entitled to ANYTHING... but being a mother (or father) really does give you a secret language with your child. I feel as if our child is entitled to us REALLY listening. We invited them into this world and we shouldn't just wait for them to "get it." They already do. it is US that needs to "get them."

I feel so fortunate to stay at home and care for Atlas. There are a good 8 or 9 extra hours a day that he gets to know me. It DOES make it easier when ECing (btw he is finally pooping on the potty again!) and when wearing.

I found it almost tiresome when everyoneeeeeeeeeeee asked how old he was and when he started walking. The birthday boy wasn't walking. And I know that they do this on their own at their own timing... but we REALLY DID work with him a LOT and pushed walking... lol! It's not like he would have done it had he not wanted to.

I found myself defending my son's achievements in the mainstream. "wow that's kinda young..." I would say "Oh we pushed him to keep up with his cousin." And that is the truth. And I also dont think that was wrong to do. I am home with him all day long. My JOB in life is him... and if we have the time to walk or sit on the potty or learn sign language... then we do.

Sure, some mainstreamers do too. But you know as well as I do, not as many of them. It's kinda like the whole "omg you home-birthed, you're crazy."

I only feel like an outsider when I am mainstreaming. I guess I am more AP than I thought.

Atlas - T-minus-5-days

Reader Trips - I made money at Publix

OK Stay with me on this. I technically MADE $11 on my shopping trip to Publix today. However they have a deal (second to last page of the weekly ad - pick them up in the front of the store) where if you spend $25, you can buy a $50 gas card (Hess, Cheveron, BP or Shell) for only $40. With gas rising so quick, it costs $50 or more each time either of us fill up our tank. So right there that is a 20% savings on gas!!

I did buy 2 cards for $80, to get $100 worth of gas. Had I not bought them then I would have spent $9 on all of my items, since I bought the cards, if I credit the savings to grocery and claim to still be spending the $100 on gas.. which we would do anyhow... then I MADE MONEY on my cart full of groceries. Make sense?

Here is the break down:
2 - $50 Hess gas cards - $40 each
*In ad coupon


3 - Land O Frost Premium Sliced Lunch Meats, 16 oz, $3.49
*$1 off Land-O-Frost lunch meat, (sign up) printable
*.55/1 Land O Frost Premium lunchmeat, 1 lb, RP 1/30 or printable

2 - Kraft Dressing, 24 oz, BOGO at $3.99
*$3/3 Kraft Dressing 24 oz (Winn Dixie coupon), Kraft Foods Save on Favorites home mailer
*$1 off Produce WYB Kraft Dressing, tearpad

4 - Sundown Vitamin, D3 - 2.99 & Folic Acid - 3.79
*$3 off Sundown Naturals vitamins 120 ct + or Osteo Bi-Flex 120 ct (Publix coupon), Green Advantage flyer
*$1 off Sundown Naturals or Marvel Heroes vitamins printable
*$1 off Sundown Naturals product printable
*$1 off Sundown or Marvel vitamins, RP 1/23
*$1 off Sundown Vitamin or Supplement product, RP 2/20

OVERAGE

6 - Glad Zipper Freezer or Storage Bags, Gallon or Quart Size, 30-50 ct., at $3.19 ($1.59)
*$1/2 Glad Food Storage bags and containers printable
*$.75/1 from inserts within boxes from before

14 - Sargento Shredded Cheese, 5-8 oz, $2
*$1.50 off Sargento Classic Shredded Extra Sharp Cheddar cheese (Publix coupon), 7 oz printable
*$1.50 off Sargento Classic Shredded Pepper Jack cheese (Publix coupon), 8 oz printable
*$1/2 Sargento shredded cheese, Winn Dixie Spring Forward for Savings booklet
FREE

3 - Voskos Greek Yogurt, 5.3 oz, $1
*$1 off Voskos Greek Yogurt (facebook) printable or RP 2/20
*.75/1 Voskos Greek yogurt printable, printable or in store dispenser
*B1G1 Voskos product, SS 2/06
FREE 

2 - Newman's Salsa - 2.59
*.55 manufacturer coupons from coupons .com


3 - Friendship Sour Cream, 16 oz. $1.85
*$1 off Friendship cottage cheese, sour cream, buttermilk, or farmer cheese 7.5 – 24 oz, Yellow Adv. Buy Flyer 
*.55/1 Friendship Cottage Cheese or Sour Cream printable


4 - Pedigree Dentastix Snack Food for Dogs, Large Dogs 7 Sticks, or Small Dogs, 6-6.2 oz, BOGO at $3.79
*$1 off Pedigree Dentastix dog treats printable or printable
*$2 off Pedigree Dentastix dog treats, RP 1/30

OVERAGE

2 - Peperidge Farm Deli Flats - $2.00
*.50 in ad coupon
*$1.00 3/6RP (I think)

9 - Campbells Soup - $1.57
*$1.50/3 in ad coupon
*$1.00/2 manu (I forget from where)

 2 - Post Cereal, 13-17 oz, at $3.71 BOGO
Honey Bunches of Oats, Vanilla Clusters, or Just Bunches!
*$1 off Post Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley, SS 2/2


10 - General Mills Cereal, 10.6-18.25 oz, $2.50
Cheerios, Multigrain Cheerios, or Assorted Chex or Total
*$1/2 General Mills Cereal, Cheerios, Multigrain Cheerios, or Assorted Chex or Total (Publix Coupon) in ad coupon
*$1/2 General Mills cereal printable , printable or printable SS 1/30 (EXP 03/12)
*$1/2 General Mills Cheerios cereals, Pit Stop Savings booklet
*$1/2 General Mills Original or Honey Nut Cheerios, SS 2/06
*$1/3 General Mills cereals, SS 2/13
*.75/1 General Mills Cheerios cereals printable
*.75/1 General Mills Cheerios cereals printable
*.75/1 General Mills Cheerios, various types printable
*.75/1 General Mills Multigrain Cheerios cereal printable or printable
*.75/1 General Mills Original Cheerios cereal, Pampers home mailer

2 - Muir Glen - $.89
*Publix $1/2 coupon
*$.75 coupons .com 

OVERAGE 

Yellow Onions - 1.99
(no beer)


Used: 
Winn Dixie - $5/30
Winn Dixie - $10/$50 babyclub

Vendor Coupon - $45.55

Store Coupon - $101.50

Special Price Savings - $67.59

TOTAL SAVINGS - $214.64

TOTAL OOP - 89.86

Made $10.14!!
 

Attachment Parenting is what you make it.

I am part of a mommy group. They claim to be attachment parents, but when I admit that YES MY BABY CRIES... I feel as if I just hung Jesus on the cross myself.

Atlas was in his crib the day he turned 2 months old, we both slept like royalty after that. I used an exaggerated Ferber method to get him to sleep through the night when he stopped doing it at 8 months old.... 2-6 months was a breeze!!! We EC, but some mornings I would rather go for a run than put him on the potty and read and wait for magic to happen. I nurse him to this day, but at 9 months old we finally introduced solids. And boy oh boy have we pushed this kid to walk! 10 months old, I tell ya! He was taking steps and walking with only one hand in mine! Now, 11 months he is walking with a goal --- he sees daddy or me and wants to go there, he stands up and moves.. doesn't mean he makes it all the way there without a chin-bump-to-the-ground... but he can!

So while I hate labels... and I have never been into "attachment" parenting as a "what makes me a mom"... I find that the hard core AP moms make me feel like a loser. And THAT I am NOT!

I stumbled on this post... read it. Just trust me on this. Go HERE.

And we are walking...

Atlas took 2 steps today.

My husband and I looked at each other completely dumbfounded and then sat across from each other and sent him back and forth for about 10 minutes. Each time only 1-2 steps and then he would dive into our hands. It became a game for him and he started laughing so hysterically that he gave up on the steps and just started diving into our hands.

Babies are so trusting!

Not on such a huge scale, yesterday Atlas hopped off his potty seat and flipped around to hug on me and when I started patting his precious little bare bottom he peed straight into his potty!!! STANDING!

Even smaller scale (It's been a busy weekend) I just heard Atlas crying in bed and went to check on him and OMG he was sitting up!!! He has NEVER put himself in a sitting position. EVER. I know I know... he can do all these other things, but not sit up on his own?! Well looks like that is over!

I thought he was growing fast months ago, but this past month the kid has been sneaking Miracle Gro when I wasn't looking or something!

Atlas 10 months and 1 week

And confusion sets in

My TSH levels pre-op was .64 on the scale of hyperthyroid (under .40) to hypothyroid (over 4.0)... 1 week after my thyroid being removed my TSH was 31.76, they told me to start taking my Synthroid (.075) and a week later (this past Wednesday) my THS is 73.86. However my mood and energy are back to normal, I have gained 14 lbs but that might be stress (I have always been able to put on and lose 10 in days) I am finally getting back into running... I am just confused as to my levels and when/how do I get them straightened out... what do they mean!?

The Ease of Pumping

One of my pet peeves is moms who wont nurse for a variety of reasons including: "It's just uncomfortable" "It hurts" "It's inconvenient" etc. I want to pop them!

Of course it isn't convenient all the time... However I never have to clean a bottle, prepare it and then carry it everywhere... and make sure I am carrying enough. Some times it hurts... have YOU been engorged? How about bitten? Or have you pumped so long that your nipple is trying to run away? OK so? You're normal. And if you stick with it, you are providing your baby with what nursing moms call "liquid gold" for a reason! It IS gold! The CDC agrees. >shock<

OK enough harping... you know how *I* feel about it (and you are welcomed to leave your findings and opinions in the comment section.)

If you have been following my blog here, and I am certain you have because unless I told you about it, you didnt find it searching, I had cancer. However, don't worry, it was the "no-big-deal, if-you-are-going-to-have-a-cancer cancer, then-this-is-the-one-to-have."

I need to tell you about something that saved my milk supply WHILE being drugged up and out of it...

I have this strapless pump holder. I didnt hand make it, it is not a cut up sports bra. It's a real life, designed for this, kind of contraption. The PumpEase. And like it's name, it adds ease to pumping. I use mine 4-6 times a day.... on top of nursing.

So when I was told that I would be away from my baby for 48 hours... AND I needed to dump for 24 hours due to the anesthesia, I was fearful of engorgement and MORE fearful of losing my supply. Of course with the anesthesia my supply DID drop (it is back up.. it was just the drugs) but I was also kinda drugged for a while there and when I strapped on the PumpEase I could pump and rest and let it go and I must admit, a few times I dosed off ::whoops::

I was in the hospital for 48 hours. I dumped almost 50 ounces and saved over 37. while that seems like a lot, it's not for me... kinda depressing to tell you the truth. I was pumping almost 40 ounces a day for donation to Get PUMPed before I learned that I had to have my thyroid removed [and then I pumped for saving - almost 2500 ounces before the surgery] AND Atlas didn't take a bottle... so if you do the math I was excreting 70-80 ounces a day. So WHILE IN the hospital my supply was halved. Regardless, after the anesthesia wore off and I was back on fenugreek, my supply has returned, but my baby is also eating solids now, so I am sure my supply is less these days.

When I got my own room after the surgery I asked for help putting on the PumpEase, but I never took it off... kinda made me feel I was wearing my clothes and not just a robe, or 2. I also put my underwear on. TIP: If you MUST stay in the hospital, carry clean underwear and a bra. It makes a huge difference.. you can pretend you are walking the halls in a ball gown holding onto your staff... rather than your hospital gown and IV stand.

Had I not had my PumpEase, I would not have been physically able to pump. There was at least 2 times that I fell asleep with it on and my Medela doing it's thing.

I just checked the website and the PumpEase  is $38, plus S&H.... but, if you are like me and use it a minimum of 4 times a day... in a month (30 days).. FOR ONLY one month, makes it less than $.32 a use. However... who only pumps for a month?!!? My dang Medela cost $313. However, the first 5 people to email me at - beadandelion at gmail dot com - will get an amazing diiscount. Nope, wasn't meaning for this to be an advertisement, I just REALLY believe in this product and think once you give it a try you will recommend it to others.

Which Medela is an AMAZING company! My pump DIED when we reached my in-laws house the day before Thanksgiving. They overnighted me a brand new one. Their customer service is top notch!

One last thing, the PumpEase is one of those mom-created items that "made it big".... Wendy Bell is super friendly and not just the dreamer/creator/CEO, she is a concerned mom. She wants you to pump/nurse as long as possible and if you have any suggestions to make her product EVEN BETTER [good luck] she'd love to hear it. Again. something you could comment me on!

Started hormones today

I have been having night sweats for the past several nights. I didnt think much of it until a best-friend told me she was going through menopause and hadn't thought about the night sweats being a clue until her doctor mentioned it. Being on the pill it only happens while she is on the sugar pill. The doctor says it is the drop in hormones. I have been sitting on pins and needles knowing that my hormones were going to be "half-lifing" soon... when my gf told me about her night sweats I suddenly realized that the past few nights I had been waking up drenched also due to having apparently NO hormones in my entire body.

The radiation oncologist called me yesterday. My TSH (Thyroid hormone) was 31... above the 30 was expected. My Thyroidgloben (tuber [?] mark) was 26 which was a tiny bit high showing that the hormone was dropping a little faster than expected. 23 days is the average half life.

If they were going to do radiation on me then they would want to do it before starting me on hormones. The "escapee" thyroid cells (healthy or not, doesnt matter) float around the body and I would need to be on a low-iodine diet so that when they gave me RadioAcitve Iodine those cells would be craving the iodine and would suck up the RAI and then die. However since my cancer was encapsulated like a grain of sand in a clam, I am at almost no risk. Since I am nursing he said he would second guess himself even if he recommended it and knew I would stop nursing. The cancer didnt spread, nothing escaped even with the fine needle biopsy which took 4 needles not the normal 3.

So I started taking Sythroid today. I am not sure if I am having reactions or not, but I have felt and acted differently.

I am vain. I can't deny it. I am obsessed with my size and energy level. I LOVE being skinny and in shape, my skin is not clear and that bothers me, I freak out when I gain 10 lbs, even if no one notices. I am human and media has corrupted me but I accept the fact that I ALLOWED and ACCEPT that.. thus screwing myself.

When I left the hospital after 2 night in the hospital on an almost totally liquid diet, I got home and weighed 114. Approximately 3 lbs lighter than my normal. I had spent the 4 days before the surgery doubling up on my daily jog. Where I would have jogged 4 miles,  I was doing the 4 miles twice a day. I wanted to build up muscle to aid in the healing. It DID help! I honor muscle, it heals! I weighed myself today after about 3 days of not weighing and was up to 128. I GET that that doesn't make me fat. Dont start. I am 5'8" or at least really close to it. We already covered my vanity. That is 14 lb increase in about as many days.

ALSO I started my Synthroid today which has made me feel like my blood-sugar was super duper low 2-3 times during the day. I am not sure if that is a side effect or if that means the pill is working and my body is actually craving calories.

Regardless I am excited about jogging again, starting Wednesday. That puts me just past 2.5 weeks that the dr gave me the go-ahead.

On a slightly different note, I had debilitating cramps today that didnt feel like gas. So hopefully this is my regular 7 lb period weight increase. I would LOVELOVELOVE to have my period back...

BUT... I have been advised not to get PG in the next 6 months... so much for tapping that maxed out insurance. They want to do the low level radiation for a "thyroid scan" in 6 months. I dont think I can go back to nursing my baby after radiation is pumped into me, no matter how little.... They say I can pump/dump... ehhh. that scares me.

I am trying to focus on getting my levels right... WITHOUT my help... so that when I do get back into my routine I am boosting it, rather then fighting FOR my levels and hoping the doctors get it right.

The whole thing sucks.

... And now back to Me

I have avoided the scale for the past few days. I started my Synthroid today... I also weighed - FOURTEEN pounds heavier than the day I came home from the hospital! Granted I was weighing about 3 lbs less than normal then... but 14?! Really?

Maybe I will be that one who gains 50 lbs in the first 6 months. I am disgusted with my body. I want my thyroid back. I am really just sickened.

Link I Like

Back to being a mommy for a moment - I liked this post on Peaceful Parenting

Fine For Now

YAY! Fine... for now. That is not to say I WONT have to have radiation. It is saying that I owe it to God and Atlas that I don't have to jump into radiation right now.

I have the greatest support system ever. This appointment another lady from church went with me and we met Bob there. It is so nice to have someone else to pass Atlas too so that he stays busy and not upset. Also the lady that went with me had REAL cancer last year and spent like 13 weeks in Boston having radiation after her stint here with chemo. I feel really petty worrying about this "if-you-have-to-have-cancer-choose-this-one" cancer.

Here is what I gathered:

The radiologist basically says I am at almost NO risk at this point... The cancer was completely encapsulated and nothing escaped during the 5 pricks from the fine needle biopsy. SO, since I am nursing my baby, right now is not a good time to bother taking extra precaution to do something I might not need.

Yay for being vocal and insistent that I NEED to nurse my baby first and foremost. Not to say that I would not take the best care of myself first. I want to be HERE for my baby so obviously I would suck it up and do what I need to do to keep myself healthy and alive. However, my own research lead me to ask allllllllllllllll of the questions I needed to.

WHEN I stop nursing I need to have an iodine scan. This is where they take a very low level of Radioacitive Iodine and then do a full body scan to see where the thyroid cells have escaped to. If it turns out that my body is full of them then the best precaution is to take the RAI and go "away" for about 8 days. Mom says I can come stay with her and we can do the daily cleaning rituals together, she even has my own bedroom/bathroom set up.

With the low-level RAI I can pump/dump for several days to a few weeks. I am not sure if I am comfortable with nursing when I am at a "Safe level" of RAI. They can do all the tests and stuff to see if I have a "safe" level in me before I go back to nursing... but I am not sure that is good enough for me.

I had planned on doing a HUGE donation to Get PUMPed once the radiologist said I didn't need the radiation... but being that I dont know when I plan to stop nursing... I'm not sure I can give an ounce up yet. So I am holding onto it. I currently have 500, 600, and 300 ounces at neighbors homes and another 1400 in my deep freezer and 130 in my fridge-freezer... but that is not enough in the long run. I might reconsider when I hit 6000 ounces, but I dont want any regrets when doing such a good deed.

When I mentioned that my "plan" to stop nursing was either when my kid hit 3 to start weening or when I got pregnant again and dried up or just whenever he was interested in weening himself. Apparently that is not good enough. The doctor mentioned something like "14 months old or so."

Until they tell me not to, I will have to have weekly blood tests to see where my hormone levels are at. If I have a high TSH (thyroid hormone level) then it means that I need to up my medication (when they have me start it) High TSH means that the hormone is almost non existent.. or at least decreasing too much. As long as it remains low.. then my body is still holding on to some of it. Some people can go 8 weeks before hitting their half life... others only about 2 weeks.

I'm wondering if I am one of those with the shorter life span of hormone... I was expecting the 23 day half life... but I am just dead to the world these past few days and wondering if has already fallen off the charts. Then again, the baby just got teeth 6 & 7 within 2 days and I havent slept a full 2.5 hours in a row in days.

Just in typing this he has woken twice. I'll finish this when my head is clearer

Thank you. OK now stop.

I have a week left of visitors. I hope they aren't expecting to "do" anything. I feel like I hired-a-friend. I get to start picking up Atlas tomorrow! I also intend on going back to cleaning and blogging and being a wife and mom.

I am exhausted with being "needy" and I am ready to get back up.

I have a hard time accepting help anyhow, I am also not the kind of girl who can sit on her hands and be spoon-fed. I need movement. I am like a service dog. I need a job. I need a reason and a purpose. I have one. It has been waiting on me. I have just been on hold for life for the past few weeks, which seems more like years.

I dont understand how some people can expect to be babied, spoiled or given handouts. Dont they get bored? Or just jaded? Whatever it is, it is NOT for me.

I will say this: I am humbled and I am accepting humility. I know that I am only one human and I am far from super no matter how hard I try to look indestructible. I cry. Not like THAT is some sort of new revelation... but I have bawled like a 4-year-old many times in the past 2 months. I am not ashamed to admit it. I am proud to say that I have a husband who is a true man who can put up with pretty much anything. I know. I also have amazing women in my life. My MIL has had her fair share (and then 6 other peoples share) of medical issues over the past few years and she pushed through and never mentioned any pain she felt in her back... even after she ran out of her pain medication. My own mom has done anything and everything we have needed and absolutely loved every minute of it.

I am grateful for the help, but I am SO ready for everyone to go back to their lives and things to just go back to normal. 

I'm tired...

... of the attention.

So is everyone else. I didn't ASK for it, people. I wanted to keep it [my thyroid] and just go on with life the way it was but you all told me I HAD to get it out. Granted it has done no harm having it removed [so far... ask me in 14 days when the thyroid half life breaks down.] But apparently even waiting to have the surgery was too much to ask. None of you wanted to be inconvenienced and you all said it was "in my best sake."

Well it sure as hell wasn't my choice to not be able allowed to pick up anything. It wasn't my choice to not be able allowed to drive. My choice was to NOT take the pain meds. I caved in and said "fine, one mother here this week, one next. They don't have to overlap." I REALIZE I am disrupting everyone else's lives. I am sorry! But I asked that it didn't from the start.

I had a "moment" last night... and another tonight.

Last night I snapped at both my husband and mom. I felt attacked. Asking for whatever I would have just gotten up to get had I not had a 22 lb baby in my lap. Eyes rolling and words exchanged. It was all stupid.

Tonight I thought a nice movie that my hubby would have NO interest in would be fun for my own mother and me. Eat Pray Love. Between her dozing and me back to my coupon blog [for the first day in 8 days!] the movie was pretty good... by the end of it I wanted to pass on the info on what time church was. My mother was quick to say, "nah I dont want to go."

REALLY?!

Prayer is the only thing that has kept me going for the past month. I have only missed last weekend and that was because I was in a hospital bed. I was a little in shock. Shouldn't your parent WANT you to be dedicated to going? Beyond my own desire to go, I want to see all these Faithful people who have been sending me cards and praying. Not like it is a HUGE deal. On a good day there are 35 people at my quaint church, but it is MY church and the next best thing to family.

I don't mean to bitch, but I CANT DRIVE. I am at the mercy of those around and while I haven't been cooped up a single day, That ends as of Monday when mom goes home. Atlas and I got up at 6:30 this morning. Bob brought him to bed last night since he had no desire to get in the crib. At 6:30 he was biting me and I rolled over to see the time and knew that was it, the kid was ready to party. I got up and rolled him off the bed and [holding his hands] we walked out to the living room to play. My mother woke up an hour later, but went back to bed a little bit later. She has not been feeling well.

She asked me if I could drive to church tomorrow, then said she figured me and the hubby would be going and she could watch the baby... the hubby works at 3am. ...

It's kinda like this - Beyond all the care anyone has given me and the visits everyone has paid and the food all of my dear friends have brought over... every last person who cared has prayed. And I know for a fact that those in my church have faithfully prayed for me. I know because I can feel it. I know because I do it too. Our church is tiny and precious to me and I ACTUALLY pray for the people on our prayer list by name and specifics. I know my fellow church members do the same. PRAYER alone has gotten me through this past month.

Had I not had that appointment... today would have been a seriously different day. Years from now there would have been a seriously different surgery. God has been Good. I need to be there tomorrow.

She said we will go. I just explained the importance of being there. I need to be there as much as I need the break from being in this house.

I am lucky to get 1 hour out of the house via car and 3 walks around the block, right now. SOON life will be back to normal. Right now it isn't and I would really like to keep part of it consistent.

I am tired of being cared for... it is CLEAR that they are tired of caring. I didn't ask for this and I am grateful for the moments I get. I CAN'T STAND depending on others. I am not the dependent type. It kills me. It humbles me. But I am also feeling that you are tired of caring for me too.

I am sorry.

So what do/did I have?

Papillary carcinoma
*Occurs MOST often in women in their 30's

*Only 20% of nodules must be removed after biopsy
*Only about 20% of those turn out to be any type of cancer
*Of those that turn out to be cancer, 78% are papillary

Over 90% of thyroid cancers are non-fatal, likely due to the fact that they are caught early enough, usually due to an over or under active thyroid.

Normal Thyroid hormone runs from Hyperthyroid >.40 to Hypothyroid < 4.50

My hormone level was .64 meaning that I am closer to hyper, which completely makes sense due to my size and energy level.

Most people realize there is a problem during treatment for Hypo or Hyper.

I found my nodule a few years ago just by feeling it. It was a huge knot. I even took video just before it was removed. You could see it move up and down every time I swallowed. My doctor always said that since it was symmetrical and smooth, it was nothing to worry about.

Since my thyroid actually functioned flawlessly (thus the ridiculously abundant milk production) they have MY level of "normal" hormone production. HOPEFULLY once I get on hormone replacements it wont take very long to get my body thinking that I have a thyroid.

A lot of people who have the total removal have ridiculous depression and weight gain. That is because they hormone levels are not their normal levels. Hopefully I wont have to wait long to be adjusted and can avoid those issues.

Also, I finally understood this today. I can not go on the hormones NOW because if I end up needing the radiation (Radioactive Iodine) then those thyroid cells that attract the iodine need to be CRAVING it. I need to watch my diet and keep my iodine and sodium to a reasonable minimum and if I need the RAI then I go strict on myself. When they give the RAI pill, those iodine craving cells suck up the RAI and then die. The hormone replacement will trick my body into using the iodine for whatever it is that it does.

My next appointment is Wednesdayat 7:15am with the radiology doctor. Several people I have talked to seem to think they will still recommend the radiation as a precaution so that the cancer doesnt grow back. I am really praying that my case is different.

I know that is MUCH more than anyone asked for. This whole process has been a lesson in anatomy to me. And while I am grateful there are people out there that will do it, there just ISN'T enough money in the world for me to be one of those people who can slice open someone's neck and remove a major organ. bleh!

Calcium

Got a call today - my Calcium levels are now a little high... better than low! This means my bruised parathyroids (there are four of those suckers) are returning to normal function and I can go off of one of my prescriptions and reduce another of them over the next 6 weeks to eventually not be taking them!

Go parathyroid!