Painting by Numbers

This was supposed to be my mommy blog. I guess it is now more of a blog on the struggles of my life as a mommy.

::pouting:: I thought the hard part was supposed to be waking up 3 times a night.

I'm sick of breaking down each day. Why doesn't crying and temper tantrums tire out a child like it does me?!

I had it certain that I was going to postpone. I was convinced.

I picked up all of my tests from the ENT dr today. Surprise! They left out, like, 5 pages when they gave me the results the first day... Apparently it still didnt matter. I took the results to my primary DO and she showed me my numbers:

Normal THS (Thyroid hormone) is anywhere from the range of 0.40-4.50 (with the higher number closer to HYPOthyroidism and the lesser being closer to HYPERthyroidism.) Mine was 0.64. Explains my size... Sure I didnt eat enough for too many years and I jog like it is an OCD issue, but apparently I will never get fat if they can get MY levels back to these with drugs... and everone's normal is different. The Endo called me and she says that since that is MY normal we will aim at the hyper side of the drugs. I cant imagine anyone askign to be on the HYPO side. Hypo makes you tired and weak and you gain weight by breathing the wrong direction.

the other level that was noted was my thyroids antibody abilities.... Anything less than 30 is great... mine was less than 10, which is super.

So I got in touch with the doctor too... there are 2 options. ALL or PART with the likelihood of all in the horizon. All is all is all. They CAN take just the left side that contains the freakish nodule and "freeze" the other side, rush a few slivers of the bad side down to pathology to be tested. IF cancer is discovered in one of those 3 samples then, OK alright, while I am still out they take the other side too. If it is NOT cancer, they leave the right side in. The FULL pathology results take about 3 days to return. There is a small possibility that it could still come back positive for cancer. In 22 years, my doctor has had that happen 6 times. If that happens, they go back in within 2 weeks (2 weeks bc the dr is too busy to go back in on that 4th day) and does a second surgery.

I am sure insurance covers it all... sure only 80%, there goes our savings for baby #2. However that would have to wait anyhow because if this IS cancer the RAI will delay any baby making for about a year.

I want to keep half of my thyroid... less drugs, more of my own hormones and metabolism working, etc.

My husband wants me to do the WHOLE thing. But there is only about a 20% chance it is cancer anyhow. Or was it a 20% chance they would have to go back in.. .I forget.

Brain is fried.

Next breakdown scheduled for 11am Tuesday (1/4/11) when I go to yet another doctor for another opinion. Updating tomorrow.

Stop the rollercoaster, I need to throw up

I have seriously been back and forth all day long.

GET the cancer out!
What if it is not?
It's OK, it is a huge risk to keep it!
Others say POSTPONE!
I say, no freaking joke, there is NO going back.

I threw up this morning. Between tears and frustrations eating was a very bad idea. I sent my husband a text message - I'm calling it off. I even cried through church.

I found solace in a blog about an hour ago. She was going through the same thing. she was only 2-3 years older than me. but she didnt have a tiny baby to worry about. the RAI is the worst part I am imagining.

THEN I get an email from a founder of a yahoo group... My FIL said to "join a support group" ... BACKFIRE .... one girl .. no no MANY girls say to postpone!

Brain is fried. more tomorrow.

From Loaves and Fishes

.. is it actually "fishes?" I googled it and couldn't figure it out. The census is split.

The last few days have been a roller coaster, and my baby is mirroring me and that SUCKS! He isn't sleeping, his teething is ridiculous and clearly painful (8 months and 5 teeth already!) I was ready to give him away last night at 2am. Of course I am kidding, but I miss the days of him sleeping 7 to 11 hours a night! One day he will be grown up and I will miss him needing me... but I'll cross that bridge then. For now, I should be asleep, but I wanted to update you on my newest Blessing.

Lately I have been panicky over my milk supply and stockpile.... and stress leads to a lesser production. For me, that means only around 30 extra ounces a day after nursing Atlas. I know I know... that is a ton... but for someone who was casually pumping almost 40 ounces a day or 48 when I was really working on it... it's a big difference. I do think that part of it is Atlas becoming even more efficient and he has been nursing a whole lot more. We are the "on demand" type of nursers and it seems like he is attached to me non stop lately. Maybe he knows.

I got an email today. The director of Get PUMPed found 200 ounces of my baby's milk stuffed away in the Get PUMPed freezer!!!! As we were figuring out how or when it was coming home, she says she opened the freezer and there was another 300 ounces of his milk just there!!! She says she had searched and was certain that Atlas' milk brother had gotten all of it.

It was just yesterday that I sucked it up and filled out an application to become a recipient. Knowing full well that my baby isn't as needy as some of the babies they care for. They collect and donate to babies in extraordinary circumstances. Most babies are just a few months old when they apply. Most only get donations until around 6 months due to supply and demand. I don't expect special privileged due to prior donations. After all, it is ME who chose not to start Atlas on solid foods at 6 months old.

However, God has always provided. It is just amazing that 500 ounces of Atlas' nourishment were discovered today.

I might not have needed Get PUMPed's support anyhow. (I haven't been approved yet, but even if approved I hope I never have to ask for their services.) I talked to my endocrinologist yesterday. She told me that 1. I am jumping the gun worrying about radiation. I am not though. I am the type of person who MUST have a plan. I have a baby that depends on that plan. I can't sit back and worry about it when the day comes. I have the opportunity to make sure a plan is in place if I have to face a worst-case-scenario. She told me that 2. She will work with me and if I am determined to nurse Atlas until 1 year old, then I will be put on a low dose hormone until I can have the radiation, but it will take me weeks to completely dry up. The imaging requires me to be dried up. I want accurate results, I want to have more children and live for the one I have. Plus, radiation while lactating can cause breast cancer. I am totally diggin' boobs and I want my future kids to have them too. And 3. I have 3 months to stockpile for future, WHILE still nursing!!! That is the absolute best case scenario!!!  (Aside from being able to avoid radiation, of course) Do you know how much I can produce?!!?!? Even if I only produce 30 extra ounces a day, Atlas starts solids in 2 weeks and 30 ounces a day for 3 months is over 2700 ounces! If a baby who is NOT on solids takes 750 ounces a month, Atlas will still have breast milk for 6 months!!

God is so good. He has never let me fall. And while none of this is my ideal plan. I can not complain. I had the best luck when we got pregnant on the first month trying, we had the perfect pregnancy with no morning sickness or complications, we had the PERFECT home birth, our baby has remained completely healthy even without a single vax (yet) and so far my lactation has been so fruitful we have exclusively fed a whole 'nuther baby!!!

It is less devastating that I MIGHT have a completely curable cancer than the thought of forcefully being made to stop nursing my baby.

I did learn that IF I need the Radioactive Iodine, I will not be away from my baby for a couple days... but MUCH longer... 3-5 days away from not only my baby, but the most supportive person I have ever known, my husband. It breaks my heart. But I know what I have to do and preparing for the worst, praying for the best is certainly the way I am going.

Surprise me by letting it not be so bad... but dont surprise me with having to spend an extra day away with no longer being able to nurse my baby. There are some things I MUST be ready for.

Pray for the doctors hands to be gently guided on January 7th, that I only have to spend 1 night (not 2) in the hospital,  that I can get right back to nursing my baby with breastfeeding friendly pain killers, that I am not infected with cancer, and if I am, that the radiation is flushed from my body in a very short time and I can return home. Pray that my baby sleeps well and doesn't miss me. Pray that my husband has the strength to play supportive role along with mommy-role, husband-role and still maintain not only his job but our household while I am gone. They ARE lucky to have me. Pray that I will believe that, but be able to release myself from that burden so that I can heal.

OH! OK explain this... they need me to be completely dried out, but the quickest and most efficient way to extract radiation from the body (kellymom.com) is to pump it out.

Back to the subject, God really does provide.

Mooo

Stress leads to less production... even if you are pumping every 3 hours apparently.

I am frustrated. I am pumping every 3 hours to try to increase my supply but I am still stuck at 35 oz. I have a let down (sure enough) just about the time that 3 hours approaches... but I am not INCREASING.

Advice is MORE than welcomed!

I am not donating that last 800 ounces. It will only last my baby a month... and I need a solid 3 months worth to get him to 1 year. I dreaded and feared this day and even through *fish and loaves* I still feel panicked. Very panicked.

Infant Heimlich just saved my baby's life

Good Grief, Crisis-Mode-Overload.

Really, God. What next? I'm ready.

My favorite girlfriend called this morning to take our babies to the library for infant nursery rhyme time. 10 minutes before needing to leave, Atlas had a blow out. I took off his shoes and socks and darted with him back to the changing table, ripped off the fluffy cover and set him down. I handed him his changing table finger puppet. It is big enough to play with, but not when he is by himself... I feel like I can watch him closely while changing him. I get his onesie and pants off and then his diaper. I am starting to wipe him when his mouth becomes this open cave and he starts gasping.

He has done this before and I generally sit him up and watch him eye-to-eye to reassure him. It generally calms him and he takes a breath or swallows or does what he needs to do to to catch his breath. Poopie butt and all he is sitting and he is NOT breathing. I lean him forward and not even with my dominant arm I pound on his back 3 times hard. He starts crying. Whew! Right? no. I stand him up and hug his naked poopie self and then realize it isn't over. I sat him back down and looked into his mouth and saw something square and white. I reached my finger back to grab it and I think I pushed it down because he took a breath and I heard it flap. Mommy-instinct took over without my conscious help. I flipped him over my arm that I had used to pound on him the first time and used my dominant hand to thrust against his bare back. He immediately began throwing up. He didn't throw up much, but it was enough to dislodge and expel a small piece of packaging tape.

Earlier I had opened a package of Christmas gifts I had been waiting on. I had no idea anything had fallen off. He wasn't even near the box!

I took a babysitting class when I was a teen, I have taken CPR classes throughout my life. Never expecting to use it and even a little unsure that I would even remember what to do. And honestly, I'm not sure I remembered what to do. It just happened. Praise God! Nothing in my life has ever scared me as bad as seeing that look on my precious baby's face.

Needless to say, we needed more than a baby wipe after all that. So we went and played in the bath tub while we called daddy... and canceled library story time. Mommy is in no place to drive right now. 

Infant Heimlich techniques

Jesus Take the Wheel

Surely with all the milk I produce it is just that the doctor wants to meet and discuss my abnormally well functioning Thyroid.

I had a lump biopsied Tuesday (11/30/10)... just as a precaution. My doctor has been telling me for 2 years that it is probably nothing, it is smooth not ridged and it hasn't really changed in size. But I have a baby now and a wonderful marriage. No use in risking anything.

I was told the hospital lab would take 2 days and then the Ears/Nose/Throat doctor would look at it and get back to me 2 days after that. I called on Monday and they said everything looked benign, but lets set up an appointment for Wednesday. Today is Wednesday (12/8/10)

No news is good news... moving my appointment up 3 weeks seemed concerning, but they said benign.

Today
"Occational groups of atypical follicular cellular, characterized by longitudinal nuclear grooves, and fine nuclear chromatin. The background demonstrates hemosiderin-containing macrphages and scant colloid. The finds are suspicious for a thyroid neoplasm, possibly a cystic papillary carcinoma."

Love the run-on sentences. It might be cancer.

I can have part of my thyroid removed, but the doctor recommends all of it. If part is removed and it turns out to be cancer, then all of it has to come out.

This is a very slow growing cancer and could take years to effect me... but he says not to wait more than a month or two.

I have spent my life worrying about my metabolism and my hormones. I have had to take anti depressants. None of that could have caused this, it could be genetic... but no one in my family has had this problem. I will have to take pills every day for the rest of my life.

I'm not ready to stop breastfeeding. I'm not. I wont be able to reach my newest donation goal. But I do intend to live forever. And I will still be able to nurse my baby.

The Day I Watched God Work

I held a baby yesterday. I fed him from a bottle. He is 6 months old and loves to eat, he is a tiny little baby but he is healthy and beautiful. The bottle was mine, the milk was mine, the baby was not.

It is hard to write about this because I don't want to sound prideful ain any way. I know my gift is from God alone and nothing I could do would have given it to me any other way.

When Atlas was born I knew I wanted to pump and save whatever I could. I knew too many people who had had production issues and I did not want to be one of them. I also was determined to nurse MY baby for at least a full year. With much work and dedication I have pumped and donated over 5500 ounces to Get PUMPed. I still have another 800 ounces (and growing) in my freezer.

So one day I get an email forwarded to me from the director of Get PUMPed. It is from a mom who is grateful for the organization. Her baby can't stomach any other mom's milk my mine. He is fussy and pukey and has skin issues with the other milk... but not mine. He can't even tolerate formula... but loves my milk. My milk has kept this tiny little precious gift from God alive and healthy. I burst into tears and tried to explain to my husband who was instantly concerned with what was wrong. He had to come read over my shoulder.

The first time I donated, I cried. I was giving away all this nourishment that God had Blessed me with... all of this that was supposed to be for MY baby. I was taking it from MY baby. Depriving him of something meant specifically for him. But those tears were quickly dissolved at my next pumping... yeah, my baby would always have enough. More fish and loaves. And believe me, I dont know where it comes from. I was a glorified A-cup.. padding and underwires required. These days I wake up and am practically nursing on them myself.

On Monday, I get a call from the director of Get PUMPed. They want to meet me. I dropped everything and said YES!YES!!YES!!! We met Tuesday at 2.

Their older son walked in first. I have never met such an eloquent person in my life, and here was this bright and brilliant 10 (today) year old. He was charming! And then I met Baby J and his parents.

I have never felt eyes on me like I did that day. The dad just looked at me like I had done something amazing. He looked at me with awe. I have preformed my whole life on stages for recitals and plays and never had a reaction like that. I was a little bit uncomfortable. Basically I see pumping as something I have to do. It is just part of my day, not a big deal.. but to them, it gave them a life. Even my husband told me as we left that what I did WAS actually amazing to him.

Our babies looked at each other. They are Milk Brothers and will always have that in common. Who else do you know has a relationship like that? I hope they will know each other forever.

I held this little boy with my first bottle ever, of my milk, and fed this baby. My baby wont take a bottle... we are on to sippy cups when he needs a little extra fluids, but otherwise he is a boob-baby. Baby J was so calm and just looked all around. He was peaceful. I asked if he needed to burp, and with my milk they said he doesn't. Which is weird. My baby has never had to either. I hugged this baby and he hugged me back. I fell in love. This family is a good Christian, God loving family. They are missionaries who are helping children in other countries. They are just beautiful and I could not have handpicked them ... my milk would not have been worthy of them. But for some reason it is. I am so Blessed to know that I have helped them in such a way. Something so easy and comes so naturally for me, has meant so much to someone else.

It's really hard for me to wrap my mind around. It is just to big for me. I am just honored I get to be a part it.

(Atlas is still dressed for Santa, we had pictures earlier in the day)

Health Scare

It's been a while since I posted. Atlas is 8 months old and has NOT been vax'd yet at all, he will be in the next few week, but just Polio to start with. He is healthly, crawling, 4 teeth, pulling up, trying to walk, saying "Kitty," has said MOM and DADA... and we are ECing.

Elimination Communication (EC) is a mom potty-training ... so far I catch his cues frequently, he also catches mine... he is on the potty 3-4 times a day and is successful almost every time. He has mastered the "squeeze squeeze squeeze" and generally CAN squeeze out a tiny little poopie at least.

Now lets talk about me.

I have a bump on my neck and it has been there 2 years or more.. My doctor felt it, said lets watch it, let me know if you get worried, so far so good... fast forward 2 years... I have a baby and I go back to her. She says it has not changed, it is smooth, same size-ish, not causing me pain or discomfort, I swallow normal ect. Again.. nothing to worry about, but I do, that's who I am.

She sends me to have an ultra sound and they now send me to a specialist (ears nose throat Dr.) . I go to him, he sends me to get a biopsy... I go. The Dr dude is younger than me... wth?!?! I feel old. He stabs me in the neck with lanocaine. Ouch! Bee Sting! Then he takes 3 samples. The lab guy who is in the room says the second sample is not very good... he stabs me with a 22 vs 25 needle and gets more. My neck is numb but I can feel him aiming for it. He has the ultrasound wand pushing against the other side for leverage and he had to move the needle a bit to get to the right spot... bleh! Not painful, but creepy. I felt it. So everything looks good. He says that part of it was tissue and part fluid that is why it was tough.

Give it 2 days the lab guy would get it back to my Dr; give him 2 days and if I havent heard back then "no news is good news" (my appt was December 31st) otherwise I can call if I am worried. I call this morning (4 work days later) and leave a message. I go about my day and forget about it. My family heads out for a walk after dinner at 6:30 and my phone rings.

The lady tells me the "nodule" is indeed a tumor. It is likely benign, but the dr may want more tests, they want to reschedule my appt for as soon as possible...On their schedule that is Wednesday at noon. I hav eno idea what the difference is in a nodule and a tumor... if you know PLEASE comment!

This freaks me out bc you cant give out bad news on the phone.. you aren't technically allowed to give ANY news over the phone. The fact that they would encourage me to come back in regardless of the fact the secretary called me back in... that is something to worry about.

I was pretty OK for the first 2 hours, then my husband went to bed and I kind of freaked out a tad bit. We had a girlfriend come over when Atlas was several weeks old. She meant no harm but jokingly told me, "I could run off with this sweet thing, and he would never remember you." That stuck with me.

Also I am still donating 40 ounces a day to GetPUMPedOnline.org... Atlas isnt on ANY solids yet.. not until Christmas day and 9 months old. I am not ready to be put on medications or anything weird... I dont want to stop nursing... It is all frustrating for me.

Today (Tuesday) is a great day... Atlas is having his 8 month pictures taken with Santa at Target and then we are going to meet Atlas' Milk Brother, Josiah. It is a pretty special day.

Please say a prayer for our family. Thanks!

Life Begins at Home

This is very much how we started out.. Birth at home? No way!! Apparently others "start out" that way too.

Life begins at home

Reporter and wife choose home birth to the astonishment of man

Read more: http://www.nsnews.com/health/Life+begins+home/3684754/story.html#ixzz12lAW1dTH

Preparing baby #1 for a homebirth and baby #2

Nope. I am NOT pregnant... but this might be a good book for Atlas when we decide to have a #2.

We're Having a Homebirth!! Children's Book Post by Peaceful Parenting

Click the link and check out the site... she has a giveaway coming up soon for that book! As for me, it's going on our Amazon Christmas list!

A few rantings

Oh so many things on my mind and I just wish I had time to rant on them all!

But until I find time to dissect them individually, here is the run down...


Home Births Under Fire by Jennifer Block

• “Women are not merely participants in this process, we are the process. All women want to have healthy babies.” Indeed, a recent survey of women who planned home births found that their primary reason for doing so is precisely the thing they are accused of blowing off: safety.
• Much like the woman in this article, I NEVER imagined I would be having a home birth. But researching everything I have seen since... I will NEVER do it any other way assuming I don't have any complications.
• I encourage everyone to look into it. YES it is scary. VERY. But so was birth in general. Having control of where I was and where I moved and how I moved and what I ate or drank helped keep things in MY ball park and without that control over myself, I would have been an anxious, hyper, upset woman.

Humana Helps Similac Advertise to Their Subscribers by the Feminist Breeder

• O.M.G! I can't make this stuff up. 
• A recent Humana Health Insurance “Smart Summary” statement, which they describe as the “Family’s personal health finance and benefits statement.”
• ATTENTION INSURANCE AGENCIES: It would cost everyone less if you would encourage breast feeding! 1. It's FREE. 2. It's proven to be healthier than formula. 3. It's proven it will reduce future health issues. 
• TFB includes pictures if you don't believe me.

I know there were other articles I was recently ticked off about, but right now they escape me and my baby is under furniture, so I will have to get back to you on that.

What's wrong with these posts?!

From an email I got today from Babycenter.com... Of course I clicked each link.

• Everything you need to know about vaccines
• 5 surprising stories about vaccines
• Is it better to delay some shots?

 The thing is, every last one of them was about GETTING the shots asap. My DH thinks it is a conspiracy theory that so many people "are making excuses as to why to NOT get the shots" ... for f'n real. Even the link about DELAYING says that "but an infant is so much more susceptible to all these things that are going to kill them." If you are keeping your kid out of the sun (as dr recommended) for the first 6 months, then how much chance do they have at contracting HepB?! Really? 

Of course I know that is not how you get HepB. I just think that getting some of these shots are just as logical as that statement.


HEY!!! Make sure to read Babycenter for EVERYTHING you need to know about vax.  Then shoot me please. The conspiracy theory isn't in those not wanting to shoot up their kids with chemicals.


If I even have any readers at this point.. what are YOUR thoughts on these links?

Your OB said WHAT?!!?1

For poopy diapers and giggles... did your OB say anything like these things? This would make me mad if it weren't so damn asinine. 
~My OB said WHAT!?!?

Sticks & Stones

Parents, please don't "break" your children!

Do you not understand that anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves?

~ Single Dad Laughing

Shocking.simply.shocking.

Pit to Distress

Which came first? Passion or Compassion?!

Which came first? Were you PASSIONATE about something... or did you find that COMPASSION moved you to where you ended up... and THEN became passionate?

I must say that I never meant to offend anyone when proclaiming what I believe... my beliefs are my research.... it is a work in progress.

I've been having lots of playdates lately... A girlfriend called me today to make sure she hadn't offended me with something she said. Sleep deprived and sweaty I didnt notice. But when she asked me, she brought up another point.

Last week 4 of us got together with our 4 babies - 2 have done circumcisions, 2 had started selective vax, 1 was on track with vax, 1 has not yet started vax. Some of us started talking about vaccinating... and the one that was on track apparently felt like we were saying that our studies were superior and it made her feel like a bad mom.

OMG HOW AWEFUL OF US!!!

Another girlfriend of mine called me several weeks ago and said she respected my SELECTIVE stance, but "by all means, get the flu shot...." I kindly told her ~ "No thank you. You need to get it, you are a nurse.. I am a stay at home mom... We will be OK."

And I meant it, which made me feel bad for making someone think we considered her a "bad mommy." Of course it is not an easy decision, but it is YOUR decision. You are no better or worse of mom than myself for makign a choice for your family.

I would HATE for anyone to assume that my opinions are anything more than simply opinions. No mom takes on the job and thinks.. "hey, I want to hurt my baby."

Sometimes our passion for a topic not only over shadows our friend's concerns... but blinds us from realizing we may be hurting them.

So which came first? Your own Passion for a subject or the need to feel Compassion for others?

Of course I have a job. I'm a mom.

A woman, renewing her Drivers' License at the Motor Registration Office, was asked by the counter clerk to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the counter clerk, "do you have a job or are you just a ...?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.

"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Medicare Office.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, looking up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mum." Motherhood!

What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" And great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates?" I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

To My Child (Just For Today)

Just for this morning I am going to smile when I see your face, and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning I will let you wake up softly in your flannel p.j.'s and hold you until you are ready to stir.

Just for this morning I will let you choose what you want to wear, and I will say how beautiful you are.

Just for this morning I will step over the laundry to pick you up, and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle together.

Just for this afternoon I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the garden blowing bubbles.

Just for this afternoon I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one, if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or how you might have been before your diagnosis.

Just for this afternoon I will let you help me make cookies, and I won't stand over you....trying to fix things.

Just for this afternoon I will take you to McDonalds and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have two toys.

Just for this evening I will hold you in my arms and tell you the story of how you were born and how much we love you.

Just for this evening I will let you splash in the bathtub, and I won't get angry when you pour water outside the tub.

Just for this evening I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch swing and count all the stars.

Just for this evening I will bring you glasses of water and snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favourite TV show.

Just for this evening, when I run my fingers through your hair as I pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you goodnight, I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing.... except just one more day.

A touchy subject

Let me just get it out of my system to say that personally I believe that circumcision is barbaric. That being said, it is common place and actually quite a lot easier to keep clean than the connected foreskin.

So I was reading this article about it and the history of it and found this VERY interesting...

Once upon a time, circumcision was thought to reduce masturbation as well as cancer and mental disorders – but this has all been thoroughly disproven. In Western medicine, it gained popularity during the turn of the 20^th century, and was usually performed without anaesthesia. At this time, it was considered to be a sign of social status, as it indicated a baby was birthed by a doctor rather than a midwife, indicating a 'well-to-do' willy. These spurious claims and social conventions started to drop in popularity during the 20^th century, then in 1971, the Australian Paediatric Association adopted an anti-circumcision policy after disproving many of the false medical beliefs. It is not covered by Medicare.

Where to start with any of this?!?!

First of all masturbation!? REALLY!?!? That starts while they are still in diapers, has nothing to do with being clipped or not. And why should any person be denied the ability to make themselves feel good. Sure there is a time and place for everything, but they learn that just like they learn their ABCs.. and at about the same time.

Without anesthesia... what part of this doesn't scream barbaric!? They use a topical pain reliever cream these days, but don't tell me it doesn't hurt even then. I don't have one and never have, but I scream bullsh!t.

I HAVE a midwife... And I am PROUD to have a midwife!! I HAVE a doula... And I am PROUD to say that she is getting certified as a licensed midwife and I couldn't be happier for her! If circumcision is a "social status" thing... that no one will ever see except (hopefully) his future wife.. then I would rather a social status of a tattoo on his forehead saying "Gently Born at Home."

Oh and NO insurance.. not just medicare, covers it. $250 out of pocket. Period.

All this being said... there are bigger issues to fight over. Vax!? Yeah, so I handed this decision over to daddy. I tried to encourage him to study how it is done and the different type of instruments, even tried to get him to watch the videos. None of those things happened and I stood in the waiting room unable to hold my baby's hand while he was screaming bloody murder for being away from his mommy at 1-day-old for the first time ever while being strapped down and cut, unable to tell us if the topical cream was really working or not... and there was nothing I could do. He's alive and he is healthy. And THAT is the bigger picture, and probably the outcome to either direction we could have gone. It is such a touchy and personal decision. And both choices SUCK.

::steps off soap box::

The Art of Peaceful Parenting

This is a great article! No time to post all about it, but it is about Boob Juice and watching your language. You don't want to under hype something and you don't want to over hype something and you certainly don't want to push guilt onto others. We may be a bit crunchy, but we aren't hateful and don't want to discourage the art of trying again! Go HERE